You - Outta the pool!

I don't remember exactly when I said that my job is a bit like being a lifeguard sometimes. I'm speaking metaphorically when I say that, but the metaphor works pretty well. So well that other words like, swim/swimer/swimming, beach, pool, water all seem practically interchangeable. So I'll run with it. If you've ever been swimming - or drinking, you'll get it. Stay with me good people, stay with me.

My job is indeed a bit like being a lifeguard, and sometimes I just have to say, "YOU - Outta the pool!" For the record, that's not something I like to do. No one really takes it well, especially if all the people they're swimming with are still allowed to remain in the water. I'm fortunate to work in the kinds of places where I don't have to jump in and save swimmers very often - but the reality of it is, I have to be on the watch and ready for it. That's part of my job as a lifeguard, and taking that lightly can have some very unpleasant consequences. There's more to this gig than sitting high up in my lifeguard chair, working on my tan and checking out girls in bathing suits - not that there's anything wrong with that. I can't have anyone going under on my watch.

You gotta know how to swim if you're gonna stay in the water. Ultimately, you know when to get out of the water yourself, without anyone else having to tell you. Not everyone does. It's those who stay in way too long that usually overestimate their swimming abilities. They can get pretty defensive when their swimming abilities are called into question. All of a sudden, a good lifeguard turns into an a-hole. Who the hell am I to question someone's swimming abilities and why the hell am I telling anyone that they've had enough swimming for the day?

Look, I've got Irish...I mean, swimmer's blood in my veins folks, it's not like I can't/don't drink...errr...swim, believe me. But when I'm up in my chair, metaphorically speaking, of course, my vantage point is better than swimmers, particularly those who are about to go under. I've had a few customers over the years that I'd swear probably got their first D.U.I.'s at Safety Town - when they were young enough to think that it would be fun to ride in a car with the flashy red and blue lights on top. Not as an adult, thanks.   Here's a few things that will catch a lifeguard's eye and get a swimmer beached - and yes folks, I've actually seen all of these kinds of things - and more than once:

1) Someone introduces themselves to me (or anyone) and they have trouble saying their own one syllable name. YOU - Outta the pool!
2) You're trying to light your cigarette and you're ignoring two rather important points: a) You're in a non-smoking environment. b) You're trying, and really, really hard, to light said cigarette with an electronic candle, repeatedly telling me, "I got it". YOU - Outta the pool!
3) I place your check in front of you. It has two, maybe three drinks on it - all at happy hour prices. Three times happy hour prices is math that a four year old can do. I'm not even good at math and I can do it all day long - yet to you, it may as well be advanced calculus and trigonometry. Stops you cold in your tracks. Oh shit, I wasn't ready for this. You might even ask me for a calculator - in which case you'll see my lousy poker face. YOU - Outta the pool!
4) When you get your check, you fill it out as if I ran your credit card and gave you your voucher, thank me and start to swim away - yet you haven't even pulled out your wallet yet. You're surprised.(???) YOU- Outta the pool!
5) I give you your check and you're a step ahead of me - you've got your own pen! That's flippin' awesome...I mean, it would be, but you're using your own pen to fill out our email list because you think that's your credit card voucher. YOU - Outta the pool!

I'm fully aware that some of these points are after the fact - and I use them to point out that these are the kinds of things that happen and swimmers still think they're fine and I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. What? I'm fine, I'm a good swimmer. Uh, no...you're not.

I've driven people home. I've arranged rides for people. I've followed people home when they refused any and all offers to get them not to drive. I've had people in my face pissed at my even suggesting any such thing. My employer has driven people home. My employer's wife has driven people home - and one time, while she was doing this, a guy that she's doing a major favor for, tells her that he doesn't like her husband....because he never talks to him. Really? No, seriously....fucking REALLY? Would that I could, in that very moment, zap that swimmer into a Scrooge-like dream where he goes through every possible bad scenario that could've happened had we let the guy drive himself out of our parking lot. He'd wake up a changed man.

I'm glad I work in the type of place where this kind of thing doesn't happen as often as it does in other places. I want people to come in, swim, have a good time. So does my employer. So do my managers. So do my coworkers. None of us want to see anyone go under, that's all I'm saying folks.