Customer Service?

I just spent 27 minutes on hold trying to address a late fee that was put on my account due to an oversight - I'll man up and admit that yes, I did miss the actual payment date - though not by much. The offense should be forgiven, at least in my opinion, because I've made double payments the entire time that I've had an account with these boneheads. I refer to them as boneheads because it was their f-up, not mine, that had them not even send me a statement for the first two months my account existed with them. Instead, they started calling me and leaving messages saying my account was in default. When I finally spoke to someone, they admitted the error and reversed two months of late fees - the least they could do, since it was their own incompetence that was responsible for my never getting a statement - and not being able to access my account online.

In today's world, automated customer service systems are in place to work flawlessly on behalf of us, the consumers, the people who put money in the pockets of businesses....oh wait, they're not in place to work flawlessly on behalf of consumers, but rather the companies who use them. Fuckers. I drop an f-bomb here because these systems rob you of something you can never get back: TIME.

Fuckers.

I jump through hoops on this company website every month just to give them money. I thought the whole notion of a website set up to take payments, was to make it easier than ripping off the invoice and writing a check, putting both pieces of paper in an envelope and putting a stamp on it and dropping it into a mailbox - and mailboxes will stick around longer than cockroaches after the end of time, because where else will businesses get rid of their paper trash but in the mailboxes of the people. Here, take this paper information about shit that I want to sell you - and either come buy shit from me or throw this away for me - I'm done with it. Fuckers.

I get asked every question on the website twice. Every question. Twice. FUCKERS. When I finally access my account, it was just as I thought it would be, double payments every month. The electronic age and the websites set up to make things easy for the consumer, are a ploy. In the old days, when you actually mailed a payment, there was a grace period that allowed for delays given that the Pony Express took a bit of time. The electronic way to pay shortens those delays and often makes it easier for them to zap you with a hefty late fee. Fuckers.

For the record, I think if someone is being a deadbeat in their obligations to any financial agreement they may have entered into, then that individual should understandably be charged a fee in fair accordance set up by the congressional committee to protect the rights of party A from party B in the arrangement of said agreement.

In other words, miss a month, two or more - bend 'em over, most def. Miss by a couple of hours, maybe days, but still pay twice what they're saying you should...I will not bend even slightly. Make me answer the same questions twice, reset my password because I missed the second time you hit me with that question because I thought we'd moved on to the next question - which incidentally, I set up on my account, then make me go through your jerky-robotic-voiced automated system in the following manner:

Auto-Voice-Robot: Thank you for calling Blahblahblah-blah-blah please say, or enter your name or your 93 digit account number using your touch-tone phone now.
Me: Raul Gonzalez (not my real name)
Auto-Voice-Robot: Thank you. RAW.OOL.GONE. ZA-LEZ. Please say, or enter your 93 digit account number, followed by the pound key and two expletives now.
Me: Seventy-billion, eight-hundred sixty three million thousand, blah,blah,blahbitty. Shit. Shit.
Auto-Voice-Robot: I'm sorry RAW.OOL.GONE. ZA-LEZ, You entered one expletive twice. Our automated system does not allow for repetition in expletives. Please say, or enter your two expletives using your touch-tone phone now, followed by the star key, a mandatory F-bomb followed by the pound key, now:

Yeah, it's like that. Nearly half an hour later, after walking around listening to your God-forsaken loop, your chunky automated voice responses on speaker phone - and mind you there is no correct volume on speaker phone that will alleviate the unpleasant sound of distorted automated voice and so-called music coming from a cell phone speaker, and I get to talk to a human being. I'd feel relieved if I could only make out the one language I've spoken my entire life, and understand you. I'd also feel better if I didn't have to tell this actual human that yes, it's me, the fucking account holder calling, not just to ask you if I can get an unreasonable late fee removed, but also to point out, that I have nothing but history of paying twice the required amount - and pardon more f-bomb dropping, but I think that kind of history shows that I'm not fucking around with this shit.

There is also nothing I can do in my daily tasks, because you best believe that I don't want to risk so much as a sip of coffee being taken and nearly drowning me when an actual human being comes on the phone and I get a shitfuckdamn across my lips before I take my phone off of the speaker phone function and ready myself to do battle with an actual person. But I digress.

In broken English, the guy tells me he will see what he can do. Yes, we'll both see what you can do. Fuckers. Then he tells me that while they do not normally do this, he will remove the late charge from my account - provided I can tell him why I missed this month's payment - and get this, gives me a short multiple choice in my answer:

a) Was it just an oversight?
b) Did you not get your statement?
c) Did you not realize that you can make payments for free online?
d) Did you not realize that you can also make payments for free using your telephone?

Fuckers.

Here go my answers:

a) Yes - it really is as simple as that - an oversight.
b) I got your statement right here buddy.
c) Can I make payments online for free? Free? To coin the college freshman girl vernacular, Amazeballs.
d) Did you not realize that I'm on the phone with you now?

I'd like to assess these boneheads a fee for the time that I can never get back, all in the name of convenience. One more time, say it with me - fuckers.