Music or Sports - Installment #1

I'm not much for sports - I can take a little bit of baseball now & then, the same for basketball. All the rest of 'em, you can have really. I favor a creative mindset/vibe and that leaves little room for a competitive way of looking at things. I don't usually see things as having to choose with the mindset that one is better than the other. If two things can't win simultaneously, the one I'm in the mood for is better - this time.

I dabbled in sports growing up, but the older I got, the less appeal they seemed to have. Around the time I was in high school, I got more into art and music and I thought it was all wonderful - and that none of it was better or worse. Watching any sport as a spectator took activity out of it - most of the time I couldn't get very far into a game, particularly on television, without wanting to get up and do something. It didn't make much sense to me to watch any sporting contest and claim any part of a good play or ultimately a victory. If my high school team won a game, it was them - it seemed ludicrous to say we won if I wasn't on the team.

That carried into adulthood. I'd grown up being force fed music and my biggest consolation there was that I was exposed to good music. That laid a foundation that keeps getting expanded upon to this very day. It's safe to say that music and other creative pursuits are better than sports for me. Although I like a baseball game from time to time, I don't follow it closely. Living in the greater Cleveland area, I guess I have a bit of a soft spot for the Indians, but for me, following any sports team means devoting attention to things that are completely out of my control - if my team loses, I'm disappointed. All I did was watch and hope. If they win, I'm happy - but it doesn't make my city better than that of the team that is from somewhere else. My city isn't a better place to live due to any team winning - a game, a season, a title.
Much has been said about the disappointment that Cleveland sports fans are used to. I'll admit that I was, even in my rare watching of sporting events, disappointed when the Indians lost the World Series in the late 90's, and when the Cavs were in the finals and lost, and when Lebron left - not so much because he left, but rather the way he did so.

All of this disappointment made me realize that I was giving far too much of my attention to something I had no control over whatsoever. Hit like a ton of bricks too. The hell did I need to care what Lebron decides to do with his career? He's making millions regardless of how many fans he's disappointed. Why should I despise any coach that any Cleveland team fires, and then that coach goes on to win titles in some other city? No names here, but if you follow sports, you can figure out the examples. Most of us don't have the luxury of consistently failing at our jobs and keeping them. Not only that, if we fail in certain ways and do so often enough to get a reputation, finding another job could be tough.

I couldn't name five current players in any sports league if you put a gun to my head. I could be exaggerating there, but I doubt it - seriously. In my line of work I'm practically expected to know the score, who got traded, who won and what time games start. Most of the time I know none of those things - but I've gotten very good at faking it, interest that is. There's a bit of a trick to it, but it's not a secret I'm going to share. Wouldn't bode well for me to be found out.

I have a friend who will invite me over for games, and 99.9% of the time, invites under the heading of any sporting event make me want to stay home. This particular friend is funny, because he'll often record the game so that other activities can be snuck in and we can come back to the game. If I'm going to watch a game, then I want to do that. There simply aren't enough times when I actually do enjoy a sporting event that I want to hit the pause button and come back to it.

I also don't enjoy being in a room of sports fans and being talked to about sports. I dread things like "Boy he really should have caught that ball....what the hell was he thinking there....that was a good catch...I can't believe he missed that shot" - no thank you, 99.9% of the time. I told this friend once, when he invited me up to watch golf - on his new big screen television, that I really don't like watching golf at all - and I don't. He responded by telling me that I need to experience it on a big flat screen television to really enjoy it. Here's the thing about me watching any golf, ever: It's always someone else's choice - always. Every. Single. Time. I will never choose to watch golf - if any television that I ever own is on a golf channel, it's either because someone else put it on or they asked me to and I acquiesced...or I'm not home, or someone stole my television.

If I'm at work and anyone starts talking to me about golf, notice me doing two things: a) agreeing b) instantly looking for something else to do - and I assure you, I will find it. Every. Single. Time. Same goes for football.

A friend/coworker, a guy who is heavy into sports, once chastised me for not knowing something about a game/rule/statistic - I can't even remember what his issue was, I just remember him looking at me like he thought I was some kind of an idiot, looking all angry with disbelief:

Coworker: Why don't you know???
Me: Because it's of no importance to me whatsoever.
Coworker: Seriously...Why don't you know? You should know!
Me: I disagree.

Then I thought for a second about how this guy likes classic rock - and since classic rock sometimes falls into what I like to listen to, I offered up the following:

Me: Wait a minute, something's wrong - my key won't unlock this door. I got a bad, bad feelin' - my baby don't live here no more.
Coworker: What the HELL are you talking about??
Me: Red House...Jimi Hendrix - Why don't YOU know??

There you have it. My take on sports, in a nutshell. Should the Indians ever win the World Series, I can promise a minor level of happiness, but I can also guarantee that the whole gun-to-my-head-not-knowing-five-current-players-in-any-professional-sports-league will probably still be true. In the next installment of Music or Sports, I'll examine some possible similarities. If you're a sports fan, you'll likely want to read something other than this blog, but if you're a music fan...I just might get you.

Acme delivers

I'm not a big t.v. person, but there are a few shows I like to watch. I ditched cable years ago and I think Netflix is a much better way to go - although the downside to technology like this is that you can take an entire season and blast through it like it's one big movie. I wish I could say that I haven't caved to the temptation of doing that, but I have a time or two - like I recently did with season 5 of Breaking Bad. I vowed that I would take my time with it - I even posted my intentions as a status update on the blue and white, so you know I was serious. Nope. An entire season in less than 24 hours.

I had three episodes left when my brother from another mother posted a spoiler. Seems he was about an episode ahead of me. Crap. Now I had to press on, chores be damned, and it was my day off. You can justify/rationalize damn near anything if you really want to, you know, make yourself feel better about the less responsible rearranging of priorities. Yup, that's what I did.

As I neared the end of season 5, I started to notice how Walt, Jesse, and Mike were more like a Warner Brothers cartoon at every turn. Every gadget that these guys whipped out, at the exact moment it was needed - was used expertly. Where did they get this shit? I'll tell you where - and mind you, there's only one company to go to when you need out of the ordinary things and you need them fast - ACME products.

For those of you who haven't heard of ACME products, where have you been? They've been around like forever, and nobody comes close to delivering such a wide variety of specialty products as ACME. Unparalleled delivery and customer service. Ever see Wile E. Coyote breaking balls on his ACME rep?

Wile E. Coyote: Hey Bill, Wile E. Coyote...listen, I bought a pair of rocket powered roller skates last week and I had a bit of a problem...
Bill, ACME customer service representative: Ok, gimme a second to pull up your account...got it, what's the problem?
Wile E. : The problem is, I fire these things up and they go from zero to 500 MPH in like, half a second - by the time I pass the damn Roadrunner, I'm into the side of the mountain! If I weren't a cartoon character, I'd be dead - but trust me, I was plenty damned sore for a few seconds. And the dehydrated boulders you sold me on the same order...
Bill: The instruction manual clearly states NOT to hold the boulder in your hand while re-hydrating it - they may look unimposing and tiny in their dehydrated state, but all it takes is a drop of moisture from an eyedropper and you've suddenly got up to 3 tons of solid rock that is very eager to obey the laws of gravity...
Wile E. : You're telling ME???

Never happened, because Wile E. Coyote manned up and admitted that he didn't read instruction manuals thoroughly - he's a dude, so like duh. He knew that was his own fault and he knew there wasn't another company around that he could turn to for his specialty needs that offered same episode shipping. And the guys at ACME know how to keep a valued customer coming back. Before there was Amazon dot com ,ACME wrote the flippin' book on excellence in mail order service. Every pleasant experience you've ever had buying something online is because of ACME. Wrap your head around that one.

As I sat on my couch watching Walt, Jesse, Mike, and Todd set about robbing a train of some chemicals, I realized just how large the customer base for ACME products had grown to become the go to for anything and everything that one could need to do anything. Here were these guys, probably on the exact spot where Wile E. Coyote fired up his rocket powered skates, a few minutes away from robbing a train - but first, they needed to install two underground storage tanks, one to hold the chemicals they were going to steal from the train, the other to hold the water they were going to replace in the train car in order for the car to weigh the same amount when it arrived at its destination. Yeah, they thought this shit through and they thought of everything they needed to pull this heist off - and they did so with at least a little help of a knowledgeable sales rep at ACME. Walter white has a science background, but there is just tons of shit that even he may not think of. Don't screw around with it, call someone who knows. Hello, ACME.

For any of you skeptics out there, just think about how expertly three guys have the exact diameter hoses they need to open the valve caps on a railroad tank car that holds hazardous chemicals. Notice how they have calculated the exact hose length from the newly installed underground storage tanks up to the valve caps on the top and bottom of the train car, and how carefully the cars on the train were counted so as to insure the truck that stopped on the tracks was perfectly orchestrated to make the chemical car stop the exact hose lengths away. Doubt me still? Riddle me this: Where do you suppose they got the exact size channel locks and ratchet bolt thingy to remove the caps? ACME, duh. Hoses, compressors, storage tanks, a backhoe to bury the tanks - which had to be done in advance mind you, truck to drive the storage tanks to the site, a few thousand gallons of water. All of these things are items that you need to hit up one place, and one place only - ACME. Training manuals too, y'know, how-to books. Forget practice runs here, you need to be able to use this shit like it's your job on the very first time out of the box.

Remember the name should you find yourself in need of things like rocket powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, disintegrating pistols, do-it-yourself-tornado-kits, and of course, anvils. You can always find a better price on items like these - but you gotta take into account shipping and product availability when you need something quick. Acme never fails - ever. Acme delivers.

Personal Catch Phrases for $50 Please - Installment #1 - Hold on Sha-REESE

Some things stick with me more than others in terms of being highly amusing. I'm not gonna lie about it, I laugh at behavior, and from all groups of people. I'm also perfectly willing to allow others to have a laugh at my expense - if my behavior warrants that, fine. Have your day with it. Since I'm not even a cup in on this beautiful morning, I might be a bit too foggy to give you an example of some laughable behavior out of me at the moment - so I'll share an event that provided at least a minor catch phrase for me...and quite a few friends and coworkers.

I should start by saying that I get some pretty serious mileage out of material sometimes, particularly when it comes to real life experiences that I find amusing, so this one is a few years old. Ever hear how an elephant never forgets? Neither do I with some things.

So I'm in an airport, Atlanta, to be specific, and I'm stuck in a delay/layover that is more than a little annoying for numerous reasons. The delay keeps getting extended, I'm hungry and nothing is close to my departure gate, at least enough for my liking. For me, being stuck in an airport is kind of surreal - it's not one of the unpleasant experiences in life that really bugs me, I just deal with it. Frustrating as it may be,  so much of it is out of my control that I just don't let it get to me.

 In the Atlanta airport, settling on airport food - and it doesn't matter where you eat in an airport folks, it's not going to rank high on the culinary experience meter - ever. In some cases, the employees at these kind of restaurants are not exactly top performers. It's all too apparent that it's just a j-o-b and a j-o-b is workin' for the man, and if the man has 'em by the balls (yup, I said it), they tend to believe they have those of us who patronize this kind of establishment in an even tighter ball grip.

 Where else are you gonna eat in your predicament? Look around fool, lines galore in every direction, and if there isn't a line, you might want to consider that there could be a very good reason for that.  People don't stick around airports to eat, they get the hell outta there unless there's more flying to do. Duh. There could be a five star restaurant when I land - don't give a shit, I'm outta there the minute I get my luggage - but Wolfgang Puck has a new place - right between our arrival gate and baggage claim! Fuck that, like I'm gonna sit in an airport restaurant by choice. I don't care if I've got a coupon for a free Wagyu steak and bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild, I'm gone. Lower your expectations - you gotta punch your weight.

So I'm standing in a line, waiting my turn at some God-forsaken fast food joint. Things like this never end well. Think fast food and airport - you can't win here folks, no matter how hungry you think you are. On top of this, you're about to deal with an employee who flat out doesn't give a rat's ass if your experience is a pleasant one or not. You're on your way out, that's just the way it is. In this case, that means that the woman that I'm going to place an order with is taking liberties, which in this case, means she's on her cell phone - swear, right there at the register, while she's waiting on customers.

I watch this woman taking orders from the people in front of me, barely giving her attention to her customers, her job, the fact that she's even at work and is supposed to be interacting with people. Evidently, she figured that since most of the menu items are ordered in combos, she really didn't have to pay attention - and by pay attention, I mean put down her flippin' cell phone. I suppose jobs of this nature don't come with many perks - unless one watches for them in the way of things you can get away with. So if one can get away with talking on a cell phone while at work...

The name on this woman's name tag, was Kellie. Kellie wasn't actually saying much, she was listening - to a friend, I presume - whose name was Shareese. Shareese seemed to be doing most of the talking, and loud enough that you could hear her voice coming out of Kellie's phone.

Kellie was doing a pretty good job of multitasking, at least as far as the following: a) Listening to Shareese while she was taking orders from customers. b) holding her cell phone w/one hand, while punching in orders, taking money and handing change to customers. This was the extent of Kellie's multitasking. It was when a customer asked for anything outside of, in addition to or instead of say a number one combo, that resulted in the following:

1) Kellie looking very annoyed
2) Kellie putting Shareese on hold: "Hold on Shareese."
3) Kellie looking even more annoyed
4) Kellie asking the customer to repeat their order
5) Kellie  - "Hold on Shareese...hold on"
6) Repeat #'s 1-5

Um, yeah.  I watched 4 people in front of me - all of them rude beyond belief for not getting the simple combo meals that would allow Kellie to continue her conversation with Shareese. I stayed for a few reasons - none of them had anything to do with the quality of the food I was going to get, nor an acceptable level of customer service. Captive audience member. Lowered both my standards and my expectations. I stayed because I didn't want to venture any further away from my gate to catch my flight. I stayed because I was flippin' hungry. I stayed because what I was watching was getting better by the minute, but I wasn't counting on that one.

I decide what I want from the very limited menu as I'm one away from getting to place my order. I know that I need to be concise and not distract Kellie her from her telephone conversation with Shareese - because that would be rude. It's never a good idea to piss off the people who are going to hand you your food - even if you're not in an airport. Duh.

It's pointless to look at a menu in a place like this and give any thought to how one might omit something and by doing so, make healthier eating possible - but I can't help myself. As my turn approaches, I've got a perfect solution - skip the fries, get a grilled chicken sandwich and salad instead...and water to drink. Since I can't be interrupting Kellie and Shareese, I rehearse my delivery for my order in my mind, the whole time thinking that I'm making it as easy for Kellie as I possibly can. It seems all too apparent that Kellie is not about to ask Shareese if she can call her back - either when she gets off of work, or at least goes on break. Quick glances at the others around behind the counter come up dry for anything remotely resembling an authority figure. Surely an authority figure would have a problem with Kellie being on the phone - while she's at work. Then again, I'm in an airport.

Oh, this gets so much better: One person away from my turn at bat, I notice a plaque on the wall denoting Kellie as an employee of the month - and a shift lead! Way to set the bar high, fast food airport eatery! Evidently shift lead and employee of the month come with a perk or two. I guess you can use your cell phone while you're at work! I would've thought that either one of these titles and the perks that come with them, would make a person smile - but you wouldn't think so by Kellie's face - not so much as a grin. Kellie was uttering monotone can I help you & thank you to everyone, like it was her job...oh wait, it was. Probably isn't her job now, but on that day it sure as hell was.

I'm up, it's my turn and I'm hungry and committed to this fast food meal before I get on another plane. It won't be so bad, but I'm calling dibs on the restroom the minute I'm in my seat - just in case. This is what I hear standing right in front of Kellie:

Kellie: Mmm-hmmm...I know - hold on Shareese, I got more people....hold ON Shareese....can I help you? Kellie looks at me, half rolling her eyes - how dare I, like those who went before me, and those behind me, distract her from her conversation. If looks could kill, this whole fast food eatery would be taped off with yellow crime scene tape, bodies everywhere, Kellie's eyes having dropped the lot of us.

Me, speaking politely: Hi, I'd like a small salad, water...

Kellie: What kind of salad? Mmm-hmm, Hold on Shareese - I still got people...hold on

Me, thinking: Oops. Shit - how inconsiderate of me, not making it easier on Kellie, while she's at her JOB, being rude to me. Clearly this is all my fault.

Me, speaking, politely: I'll have a Caesar salad...please, and

Kellie: Hold on Shareese, $4.59 please. (note that the word "please" doesn't sound anywhere close to being polite as Kellie holds out her hand for my money, not even looking at me.)
Me, in shock, but speaking up because I'm not finished: I'd also like a grilled chicken sandwich with tha...
Kellie: You want the combo meal?....Hold on Shareese, $8.99 - (again, holding her hand out, not even looking at me) ....Mm-hmm....I know he did...crazy...hold on Shareese. (NOW she looks at me, annoyed) The combo is $5.99 and it comes with fries and a soda - do you want the combo?...back to Hold on Shareese, I still got people....hold on...and her hand out for my money.

Not. So. Fast.

Me, thinking: I don't want a soda or fries, I want the flippin' sandwich, the salad and water. Other than that, if you could just put your phone away and actually pay attention to me, and the other people you're supposed to be interacting with...
Me, speaking - quickly and politely: No thank you - I don't want fries or a soda, I just want water to drink, a chicken sandwich and a Caesar sa.....
Kellie: I have to charge you for the cup for water....Hold on Shareese, Hold on.....I know, I know....hold on Shareese - I STILL got people

 Amazeballs. This woman is annoyed at me for being here, wanting anything from her and her look says, What the hell do you want from me - you can see that I'm on the phone!

In addition to the water, Caesar salad, and grilled chicken sandwich, some other things are going through my mind in rapid succession: YES, I DO want something from you, you, the one who is standing in front of me wearing polyester color coordinated visor, shirt, pants and a name tag, none of which you'd be wearing if you weren't at work, on the clock, working for the man - but here the fuck you ARE, at work, yet on your phone - acting like me, or anyone coming before or after me, has got some balls expecting any amount of courtesy from you - I want my shitty food that I'm choosing to eat out of convenience, and I'd like it without you making me out to be some kind of asshole. Yet there I was, an asshole for thinking that wasn't too much to ask.

As irritating as this whole thing was, I find things like this highly amusing, though more so in retrospect. I keep memories like this and share them. So this particular incident gave birth to a catch phrase that I get some pretty serious mileage out of with friends and coworkers. Some of 'em laugh at the delivery of a "Hold on Shareese", which for maximum effect, needs to be done with an imaginary phone in either hand. I/we use it whenever someone cuts us off or needs to chew their food (Chew your food, incidentally, means to slow down your delivery of speech - according to the Urban Dictionary, which I flippin' love sometimes) - offering up an annoyed look at the offender and talking into pretend phones, Hold on Sha-REESE... There you go people, now you're in the know as to the origin of but one of my favorite personal catch phrases.

Cue The Music - Installment #2: Kick Ass

Let's talk about kicking ass - specifically, music that kicks ass. In the literal sense, kicking ass is only good if you're the one doing the kicking. Metaphorically speaking, kicking ass, or getting your ass kicked, can be much more favorable. Is that new burger joint any good? Hells yes, it kicks ass. Have you heard the new album by Radiohead? Dude, it kicks ass. The new burger joint would be a most favorable assault on the taste buds - all things good to eat. The new Radiohead, a pleasing listening experience that I'm likely to want a lot more of - Y'know, as opposed to walking in the new burger joint, listening to Radiohead and getting punched out. Who wants that? Nobody, that's who.

These days there's quite a bit of talk about ass kicking in a good way. It can mean a heightened enjoyment factor, or it could mean you learned something that you may have been afraid to even try for fear of failure, degree of difficulty, potential for embarrassment - any number of negative things that if you let them, can get the best of you and stop you from even attempting something that could seriously enrich your life, even if just a little. I say full speed ahead in such matters - at least in terms of anything creative and artistic that you want to try. Get your ass kicked by new things that will expand your horizons and boost your enjoyment levels in as many ways as you can - and don't be afraid to try new things - particularly with new music! There's a Sean Penn quote that I have kind of adopted and I love using it when I motivate myself to try anything outside of my comfort zone:  Fail all you want - but fucking TRY. Try. Give new things a fucking chance.

I'll never understand why so many people are so unwilling to try new things and give them an honest chance - particularly when it comes to new music in different genres, by different artists than the mainstream popular stuff. My opinion is that there is just so much more out there that's enjoyable - so why close your mind off to it? Everything I like is a favorite - the only time one is better than another, is during the time I'm in the mood to experience it and appreciate it. You've gotta be in the moment, and the moment kicks ass - if you let it. I'm all for the letting it when it comes to listening to music. Why limit yourself?

A friend once asked me a series of questions that were A/B comparisons - one over the other, which did I prefer? Questions like, Chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream?, Which do you like better - red or blue? - and she got a little frustrated with me when I answered, apparently my answers weren't playing along. For the ice cream question, I told her it depends - if it's just vanilla, then I'd probably go with chocolate, but if it's vanilla with fresh strawberries that have been mixed with a bit of sugar and balsamic vinegar, I'ma say vanilla. For the color question, I asked her what the color was on - and I think I might have said it depended on what I felt like. She got slightly irritated with me, and I couldn't seem to explain to her that I'm the type of person who celebrates differences and appreciates what I like about something, rather than an a/b comparison that results in one being better than the other. Something is wonderful when I'm in the mood for it, and nothing illustrates this better than my love of a good song. I love good songs. I love kick ass songs - and lots of em.

So what makes a song a kick ass song? I suppose the simple fact that I like it and I'm in the mood to hear it. A song so good that I want the whole flippin' world to hear it, yet at the same time, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone else doesn't like it. I'm perfectly willing to share any given tune with someone who hasn't heard it before, and in doing so, there's probably at least some hope that they'll dig it too - but I couldn't care less if they write it off. I'm not going to cram it down their throat. I'm still going to like it, I'm not going to think less of them for not sharing my opinion, and I'm going to keep my enjoyment of the song - even if I don't listen to it when I'm around someone who doesn't like it.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating - nothing works for me all the time, and I don't think it should, but when it does work for me, it's wonderful. It satisfies a craving for it and when I've had my fill, I can put it down and pick up something else that I'm in the mood for. It's being in the moment I guess, and having an appreciation for what that particular moment has to offer. With music, I'm not interested in talking - or even thinking about a how or why Lyle Lovett's newer album does, or doesn't appeal to me as much as one of his earlier efforts. I'd much rather focus on the simple fact that he's an artist that I enjoy listening to and that I'm glad he's still putting out music. In other words, he still kicks ass. Most of his work kicks ass, to me - when I'm in the mood for it. When I'm not? Something else kicks ass. Duh, right?

The fact that I'm specifically mentioning any artist here doesn't mean I like one more than the other - except for when I'm in the mood to enjoy one over the other. Bob Dylan is a musical wizard when it comes to writing lyrics, and maybe his best spells cast are behind him, maybe they're not - the fact remains, he's still that wizard. Joe Jackson is another artist I enjoy listening to, the majority of his work I love, but there's a thing or two that doesn't do much for me - and I'm okay with that. Overall, I have enough admiration and respect for his work that I do enjoy to say that the likelihood of him getting my attention for his future works is pretty high. Because he still kicks ass.

I once dated a woman who said she "probably would like" my music - she just "needs to listen to it." - well, yeah - it's going to take listening to find out one way or another. But then there was the time she scrolled through my iPod and said, "Your music is all slow." - and without even thinking, I knew there were tons of songs on the device that were anything but slow. The sarcastic and smart ass Chris thought "Hmmm - what level are you reading at sweetheart?" - and I realized that her remark was based on the fact that she was simply unfamiliar with the majority of the stuff that I had on there. I was a little bugged by the fact that she instantly closed her mind off to the possibility that she might enjoy any of what she was unfamiliar with, but to each their own and I'm not about to let anyone else's narrow-mindedness influence what I enjoy. For me, I want to leave the door of possibility open as often as I can. I love sharing music that I enjoy with anyone and everyone - I love talking about it, I love basking in it - and I'm more than a little proud of the taste in music I walk around with. But it's not for everyone, and I can't expect it to be. If hearing the same song over and over again works for you, then I guess that's what you should do - I just feel that if I always go for the same things, then I'm probably always limiting my overall enjoyment on my journey. Maximum enjoyment of, and on the journey kicks ass.

Music that kicks ass is timeless - at least to me. There's very little in my music collection that has played out and become something that I don't, or won't want to hear again. That's a subject for another post though. There's some stuff in my collection that doesn't get much play and is more for amusement - but even things like that kick ass when I'm in the mood for it. It's all good when it's good. Songs kick ass, and Lord knows, I love a lot of songs. I'll share 'em with anyone who wants to listen, because they kick ass.