Acme delivers

I'm not a big t.v. person, but there are a few shows I like to watch. I ditched cable years ago and I think Netflix is a much better way to go - although the downside to technology like this is that you can take an entire season and blast through it like it's one big movie. I wish I could say that I haven't caved to the temptation of doing that, but I have a time or two - like I recently did with season 5 of Breaking Bad. I vowed that I would take my time with it - I even posted my intentions as a status update on the blue and white, so you know I was serious. Nope. An entire season in less than 24 hours.

I had three episodes left when my brother from another mother posted a spoiler. Seems he was about an episode ahead of me. Crap. Now I had to press on, chores be damned, and it was my day off. You can justify/rationalize damn near anything if you really want to, you know, make yourself feel better about the less responsible rearranging of priorities. Yup, that's what I did.

As I neared the end of season 5, I started to notice how Walt, Jesse, and Mike were more like a Warner Brothers cartoon at every turn. Every gadget that these guys whipped out, at the exact moment it was needed - was used expertly. Where did they get this shit? I'll tell you where - and mind you, there's only one company to go to when you need out of the ordinary things and you need them fast - ACME products.

For those of you who haven't heard of ACME products, where have you been? They've been around like forever, and nobody comes close to delivering such a wide variety of specialty products as ACME. Unparalleled delivery and customer service. Ever see Wile E. Coyote breaking balls on his ACME rep?

Wile E. Coyote: Hey Bill, Wile E. Coyote...listen, I bought a pair of rocket powered roller skates last week and I had a bit of a problem...
Bill, ACME customer service representative: Ok, gimme a second to pull up your account...got it, what's the problem?
Wile E. : The problem is, I fire these things up and they go from zero to 500 MPH in like, half a second - by the time I pass the damn Roadrunner, I'm into the side of the mountain! If I weren't a cartoon character, I'd be dead - but trust me, I was plenty damned sore for a few seconds. And the dehydrated boulders you sold me on the same order...
Bill: The instruction manual clearly states NOT to hold the boulder in your hand while re-hydrating it - they may look unimposing and tiny in their dehydrated state, but all it takes is a drop of moisture from an eyedropper and you've suddenly got up to 3 tons of solid rock that is very eager to obey the laws of gravity...
Wile E. : You're telling ME???

Never happened, because Wile E. Coyote manned up and admitted that he didn't read instruction manuals thoroughly - he's a dude, so like duh. He knew that was his own fault and he knew there wasn't another company around that he could turn to for his specialty needs that offered same episode shipping. And the guys at ACME know how to keep a valued customer coming back. Before there was Amazon dot com ,ACME wrote the flippin' book on excellence in mail order service. Every pleasant experience you've ever had buying something online is because of ACME. Wrap your head around that one.

As I sat on my couch watching Walt, Jesse, Mike, and Todd set about robbing a train of some chemicals, I realized just how large the customer base for ACME products had grown to become the go to for anything and everything that one could need to do anything. Here were these guys, probably on the exact spot where Wile E. Coyote fired up his rocket powered skates, a few minutes away from robbing a train - but first, they needed to install two underground storage tanks, one to hold the chemicals they were going to steal from the train, the other to hold the water they were going to replace in the train car in order for the car to weigh the same amount when it arrived at its destination. Yeah, they thought this shit through and they thought of everything they needed to pull this heist off - and they did so with at least a little help of a knowledgeable sales rep at ACME. Walter white has a science background, but there is just tons of shit that even he may not think of. Don't screw around with it, call someone who knows. Hello, ACME.

For any of you skeptics out there, just think about how expertly three guys have the exact diameter hoses they need to open the valve caps on a railroad tank car that holds hazardous chemicals. Notice how they have calculated the exact hose length from the newly installed underground storage tanks up to the valve caps on the top and bottom of the train car, and how carefully the cars on the train were counted so as to insure the truck that stopped on the tracks was perfectly orchestrated to make the chemical car stop the exact hose lengths away. Doubt me still? Riddle me this: Where do you suppose they got the exact size channel locks and ratchet bolt thingy to remove the caps? ACME, duh. Hoses, compressors, storage tanks, a backhoe to bury the tanks - which had to be done in advance mind you, truck to drive the storage tanks to the site, a few thousand gallons of water. All of these things are items that you need to hit up one place, and one place only - ACME. Training manuals too, y'know, how-to books. Forget practice runs here, you need to be able to use this shit like it's your job on the very first time out of the box.

Remember the name should you find yourself in need of things like rocket powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, disintegrating pistols, do-it-yourself-tornado-kits, and of course, anvils. You can always find a better price on items like these - but you gotta take into account shipping and product availability when you need something quick. Acme never fails - ever. Acme delivers.