The duality of helping...more from a wristband & Friday, November 18, 2011

A few years ago I was part of a group of people who organized raising money to help a friend who needed a bone marrow transplant. We sold rubber wristbands to raise money for the guy and we had his initials, J.A.M. put on these bands. I don't remember how many we bought, but it was a lot. I do remember how wonderful it felt seeing so many people helping out in so many ways and how quickly people did just that. I lost count of how many people donated money and told us to keep the bands. Thankfully the friend we helped, James Allen Martin, is alive and well today.

That was more than five years ago. I've had hundreds of these wristbands sitting in my attic since then. Didn't even think of them until the other day when I called an old friend. This particular friend's wife is battling breast cancer. He's an accomplished photographer and he's taken photographs of his wife's battle against cancer and they have shared these photographs all over the world. These photographs have won a People's Choice award and are they are a moving look at what these two people are dealing with on a regular basis in this battle that they didn't choose. At first glance these photographs are not easy to look at. Taken at first glance, some of these photographs show anguish, anxiety, fear and pain that are painful to contemplate - let alone live with. In the words of one friend, these photos are intense. Indeed many of them are.

For me, I found it possible to look beyond my first glance - because my first glance makes me want to look the other way and not have to see or give thought to what two people I care about are going through. It's sad, it's painful and I feel powerless to do something to help them. Wait a minute. Look beyond this painful first glance, and you can see wonderful things here. Stay with me. Look beyond your first reaction and you can see love. This is love that is standing up to being tested and you can see it in these pictures. You can see love between two people and it's a love that never gives thought to going away because life threw something at them that no one signs up for, that no one wants. You get a sense of a man that I've had the pleasure of calling a friend, a man who I've known as one of the most kind-hearted and thoughtful people to have ever been part of my own journey in this life be the very definition of husband that said "I do"

Beyond the first glance of these photographs I get a sense of the courage it takes to fight this daily battle and share it with the world. The most wonderful thing I get though, is the sense of love that exists between my friend and his wife. Perhaps there is no better example of the phrase there, but for the grace of God, go I - but I don't look at these photographs and think about the friend I met years ago. I think that in the blink of an eye, our roles could be reversed. What touches one of us touches us as well. We're all connected and I think God wants it that way. We have to think of others because no matter what someone is dealing with or experiencing, that is us. We are there. I look at these photographs and if I think for a second that it hurts me to look, or to feel even the smallest fraction of pain, that this is the normal that has been redefined for two people that I have love for - and there are many more people all over the world who are fighting their own battles like this.

I look because I care - would I rather see photographs of my friend and his wife on vacation or doing anything other than sharing their life moments in this battle? Absolutely. And I know they would rather be sharing those kinds of moments - but these are the moments that life has thrown at them. Their love for one another, their very souls and who they are as people, are bigger and stronger than cancer. The courage it takes both of these two to share moments like these is completely inspiring. It lets me in to the life of two people I care about. It lets me feel the energy and love, the empathy for them that comes from family and friends taking a minute to say that if  these are the moments you have to share, all of us are going to share them with you and every one of us  wants what the two of you want - life, love, happiness, pain free days and nights for both of you - miracles. If you're going to share with us that there is pain, fear and anything else you don't want, we're going to share with you how much we don't want that for you as well. And when you share your best moments with us, we're going to be happy and thankful with you. We're coming with you Jennifer and Angelo in any and every way we can. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

I hung up the phone with Angelo the other day and suddenly it hit me that these wristbands weren't done with their mission - I thought about how the initials could swap themselves out - James Allen Martin...Jennifer & Angelo Merendino - how connected all of us are. In small ways, in ways that are perhaps larger than any of us can know - we're all connected. Love wins.

Tomorrow night, Friday, November 18th, Angelo's exhibit of 35 photographs he's taken of Jennifer in their battle that they didn't choose, kicks off with an opening benefit at the 78th Street Studios. Here's a link to a radio interview Angelo did earlier this week: http://www.ideastream.org/an/entry/43565 - Angelo comes in around 37:15. Take a listen and see how amazing and inspiring his attitude is, because if you do, you'll hear what makes it easy for me to look at these pictures and not let these two people out of my thoughts and prayers. I don't take many weekend nights off in the line of work that pays most of my bills these days - but I can't think of a better reason than to attend tomorrow night's kickoff for my friend's exhibit. I know the turnout will be a wonderful show of love and support for two wonderful people. I know that everyone who comes out tomorrow night will be part of an incredible sense of people coming together to show love and support that is much more powerful than cancer and sadness. Those last two things will be there, hanging around like the uninvited party crashers they are - but no one is going to make them feel welcome, because they're not - they don't belong here. None of us know who let these two in, but all of us who show up tomorrow night - either in person or in spirit, will know that none of us came to see them. There is a much better reason to be a part of this and no party crashers are going to spoil that.

For anyone reading this who knows Jennifer and Angelo, me or anyone who's planning on going tomorrow night if you're in the Cleveland/Akron area, I want to encourage you to come and be a part of this show of love and support. There's more information at these links:  www.angelomerendino.com, www.mylifewithbreastcancer.wordpress.com, or www.78streetstudios.com - if you can't attend tomorrow night but would still like to donate, you can contact Angelo at : bobpsbeats@gmail.com

Last night Jen went back to the hospital. Late this morning I got a text from Angelo: Heading to Cleveland at Jen's request. Enough said.

Cousins & Horses

When I was a kid I wanted a horse, I wanted a horse of my own of course... I remember being ten and deciding that I would get a paper route to pay for my own horse. The next summer I stayed with my paternal grandparents for most of the summer until my family moved back to Ohio from California. They had a horse, but sold her shortly before I came to stay with them. I tried talking my grandfather into getting another horse - to no avail. Fortunately the people who lived across the street from them had ponies and I got to ride them quite a bit that summer. After that summer I never gave having a horse of my own any thought - I'm not sure why really, I just didn't. I think the last time I rode a horse when when I was 19. Never mind how long ago that was.

My younger cousin Lori got a horse when she was almost 12. I never saw her horse until three years later when Lori was 15 and I went with my uncle Don out to the barn where Lori boarded her horse, Beauty. I guess now that I think of it, three years is a long enough time to get acquainted with a horse and all the work that goes along with having one - which I always thought I understood perfectly when I was ten and wanted my own horse. I stood there as a grown man, amazed and watching my younger cousin so confident around this animal. Beauty is a beautiful black horse and I was in awe of both this beautiful animal that was so gentle and how Lori handled her. She wasn't the least bit nervous about being around an animal of this size - I was, and mind you this horse seemed smaller than I remembered horses looking back when I wanted one. Then again, I was smaller at ten - so naturally everything looked bigger.

I couldn't believe the bond between this horse and my cousin - I could just tell they were very close. Lori showed me how Beauty would follow her around to get treats from her if she knew Lori was holding them in her hands. It was one of the sweetest displays of bonding between a person and an animal I've ever seen. I remember thinking back to when I wanted a horse and wondering if I would have been as good with one as I saw Lori being with Beauty that day.

Fast forward to 2011. Lori still has Beauty. She also has a husband and three beautiful children that she and her husband are wonderful parents to. Beauty is facing the end of the trail now, the equivalent of around 90 years old in human years, and my heart goes out to my cousin who has had this animal....well, I'll use Lori's words: since before I got braces, hit puberty, started middle school, got my driver's license, kissed my first boy, graduated high school, started college, bought a house and started a family - I'm struggling right now. It's never an easy thing to realize that at some point, there will come a time when you have to say goodbye for the last time, especially when the space between hello and goodbye is filled with so many wonderful times.

I know Lori's struggling with facing something that no one capable of love wants to see. The time to say goodbye. There's really no preparing for it - even when you know an animal is getting older and  their life span is shorter than ours is. There is nothing that can make it any less painful but the miracle of time - and such moments may be the best examples of when time just doesn't seem to move fast enough. In time these slow moving moments make our best memories into things we cherish. We're just never ready for that moment, even though it's for the best. As I've learned of Lori having to contemplate this, I think back to that day I was with Lori at the place she boarded Beauty. She told me recently that her parents paid for the horse for her, but the upkeep was her responsibility. How many years later and Lori still is taking care of Beauty. I have just one wonderful memory of the one time I saw my cousin as a young girl, so happy and confident around her horse. While I'm sad to see Lori facing something I know is so painful, my heart is warmed by knowing that she has many great memories of her time spent with Beauty. Lori told me that her parents buying her the horse wasn't really them giving her a present or spoiling her - it was teaching her a lesson about love, commitment and responsibility. I'm sure she learned a lot of things from having Beauty that she wouldn't have thought about going into the horse ownership experience. Indeed - you learned that lesson about love, commitment and responsibility much better than many people would have Lori.  Not only are you a wonderful owner/friend to Beauty, but you're a great mother to three beautiful children.

I know this is hard for you to go through Lori. I wish there was something I could say other than how much the memory of that day I got to see you with Beauty makes me smile, because it's one of my favorite memories and I hope I never forget it. I know you'll never forget the many wonderful memories you have with Beauty, and I hope there's still a few more yet to come. I love you guys and I miss you all!

Veteran's Day

When I was a child little boys played games like Cowboys and Indians, Cops and Robbers or Army. Often those games were played with toy guns - either cap pistols that we fired pointed at one another or a toy replica of a machine gun with realistic sounds that went off when we pulled the trigger. I thought nothing of these games, nor these toy guns when I was a child. I remember one of my father's artist friends coming over to visit with his son, who was just a few years younger than I was. I'll never forget asking him if he wanted to play any of those games and use the toy guns I had, because I'll never forget his response: "My dad doesn't allow me to play with toy guns because he said that someday I might grow up and be a soldier and I'll have to use real guns." I think I was seven or eight.

I remember riding in the car with my father, taking my mother to work at Continental Airlines and asking loads of questions about all the planes I'd see at Los Angeles International Airport. One morning we passed rows of military planes that looked a lot different to me than the commercial airline planes. I asked my mother what those planes were for.

Mom: Those are the planes that take young servicemen to Viet Nam

Me: Am I going to ride on one of those planes someday mom?

Mom: Well I certainly hope not son.

I had uncles who served in the Air Force and the Navy around this time. I remember asking my mother and my grandmother if my uncles were going to have to go to Viet Nam, I remember the military star decals my grandmother had in the picture window of her living room that told people she had sons serving in the military. I remember my grandmother's faith as being stronger than anyone I've ever known. Both of her sons came home never having to serve in a war.

I grew up never having to ride one of those military planes to Viet Nam, or any other place to serve in a war. I never had to register for a draft, though at some points I thought I might. I have had friends go to war and I have prayed for their safe return. Those prayers were answered and I have seen those friends return home safely, but I realize that there are many who didn't return home. There are many who returned home with their lives forever changed by injuries and haunted by memories that most of us can't fathom.

I'm left with the feeling that these games I played without any thought to the meaning behind them, were just wrong. To me those games allowed a sense of belief that there were human lives that were so meaningless that they could be ended in the split second it took to pull a trigger. As a child I gave no thought at all to what a machine gun is actually designed to do. If I'm grateful for never having to hold any type of firearm in my hand and be faced with the need to use it on another human being - one that probably has fears, hopes, dreams and more that are perhaps not much different than my own, what about those who have had to? So many young men and women have served, some have chosen to do so, some have not.

A friend and coworker of mine served in the first Gulf War. I remember how I felt as I thought about the fact that this was real and not some game - my friend might not come home. I thought about the games I played as a boy and how what seemed so normal then seemed frightening now. It seemed harmless having a toy machine gun that made realistic sounds, it seemed harmless to engage in games that had me pointing this toy gun at my friends, at anyone as I pulled the trigger. I know it was normal role-playing games that kids did in those days, but now when I think of it, I can't help but think of the comment that my father's friend made so many years ago and how many people have served in the military.

I am thankful for all of our veterans - I have friends who served, but never had to go to war, I have friends who have fought in a war. I have a friend whose brother's helicopter was shot down and I'm thankful that he's still alive and well. Somehow or another I avoided seeing war from a participant's viewpoint. It could easily not have been that way. I live in a country that has freedom in various forms that many people in this world may never know. I'm grateful for those who have served and I hope that on this Veteran's Day that all who have served are remembered and feel honored today. For all veterans on this day, and every day, THANK YOU.

Assuming

I had an odd experience the other night at a bar that's walking distance from where I work. I don't frequent this place, but every now and then I'll go for a quick beer with friends from work. This particular place is a bit of a different restaurant that is open for breakfast and lunch and turns into more of a club in the evenings. It's not especially the type of bar I like to go to, but it's close to work and sometimes it's nice to unwind after some of the stress of work.

So we belly up to this bar, which actually has barstools that sit a bit lower than I'm comfortable with. I order an import beer and the guy behind the bar seems friendly enough. We're sitting there all of ten minutes when he shows us a trick I've seen and used myself many times - dropping a wine cork on the bar and getting it to bounce so it stands upright. Sometimes it's the simplest things that will amuse someone at the bar. The guy hands me the cork and encourages me to try it. I've done this trick loads of times when I'm working behind the bar and I think the key to success here is to drop the cork from about 3" high. I drop the cork twice and it stands upright both times. The bartender seems a bit too excited when I land my cork, but whatever. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he's got a little of a used car salesman with a dash of midway weight guesser vibe about him.

That's fine, at least we know he's not ignoring us. I'm pretty much over the cork trick, but I ask him if he's seen another trick using two wine corks where you switch hands and make it look like you're not letting go of either cork. The things we do to amuse people behind the bar...

At this point the bartender evidently thought we needed something a bit more interesting and decides he's got the perfect solution:

Proud, beaming bar guy: So do you guys wanna see a racy picture?

My friend looks at me, we look at the bar guy and shrug our shoulders as if to say, "fine...if you wanna show us a racy picture, sure."

It's not as if we walked into the place wondering if the bartender had any pictures to show us, but he seems pretty proud of the picture he shows us of him standing on a beach with his arm around a topless blonde woman. Okay, you've shown us a racy picture. We start to resume our conversation, but our bartender has other plans:

Proud, beaming bar guy: You guys OK with that? Alright...wanna see something more racy?

Me: (thinking) Not really - we kinda want to resume our conversation, but it seems you have other plans and they involve more pictures?

The guy really seemed proud of what he was about to show us and it didn't seem to matter if we wanted to see it or not. He turns around and pulls an 8 by 10 framed picture of him having sex with a woman - I guess it's the same woman from the first picture he showed us. Wow - vacation photos.

It's interesting that the guy's manager is standing a few feet away from him behind the bar and when he notices his bartender about to show us this picture, he smiles and laughs a bit. Clearly this is ground that has been covered more than a few times. In all my years behind the bar or even on the other side of it, I can't say I've seen anything like this - nor that I was looking to. I'm a little surprised at the guy's one-two punch of engaging us in this, not quite sure what to make of it...but we didn't have much time to think or discuss before the guy adds to it:

Proud, beaming bar guy:  How 'bout that huh? Now I bet you wanna know who took the picture, don'tcha?

Me, thinking: well...not really. I kind of wanna know why you thought this was an appropriate way to engage your customers. I kind of wanna know why you carry around these pictures, one of which is in a frame and had other momentous touches in the photo, though for the life of me I can't recall anything else in the photo but you having sex with the woman - and I didn't even look but a split second. I run through a little imagery in my head about what the consequences would be if I had photos like this (I don't) and decided to use them as conversation pieces behind any bar that I've worked behind. (I wouldn't) - I just can't see it ending well.

I don't really get much time to think before the guy looks at us with a grin and delivers his line with pride:

Proud, beaming bar guy:  HER HUSBAND....!!!...and then he puts his hand up to smack me a high five.



I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I don't really get the high five factor here folks. I wouldn't want to be any part of an equation like this. To each his own I guess, but imagining myself as any part of something like this just doesn't sit well with me. Clearly it sits pretty well with this guy and his manager. Call me crazy, but that was one of the oddest moments I've had behind a bar.