So my drum geek dilemma was solved. Had to see Steve Jordan. On with it. We went to the reception, which started at 6. Hors d' oeuvres and a bar in the lobby. The magnificent lobby - and I'm not kidding there. So not kidding. You walk into a setting like that and you're out for an evening, make no mistake about it. I dressed in relative obscurity - and without any intention of doing so. It hit me, like a ton of bricks, I don't get out much these days - I mean, I do, but I work out.
You couldn't help but notice the place was crawling with hipsters, and would be hipsters. I dunno, for me, just being there and knowing what I'm about to take in, is hip enough. I'm sure there were some who came out not really caring much about that, wouldn't know Turd On The Run if it were blasting out of the speakers. Fine. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less who sees me in this place, I'm not in for the scene, the hang, the food and the drinks - I'm here for the music.
Mind you there was nothing wrong with the hang. I was here with my parents and my sister. Someone made mention of the food supposedly being tied in with the music of the evening, but I'm not so sure about that. What do skewered shrimp, mini blackbean burgers, turkey Wellington (fail) and butternut squash confit have to do with rock-n-roll and the Rolling Stones? Pick me, I know this one! Nothing. The rules are simple at cocktail hors d'oeuvres functions:
But before we eat, note that hors d' oeuvres parties, statistically speaking, are the functions where more party fouls take place than any other social setting. Fun fact.
a) Obtain food items on small plate - small, dignified portions - food skoshes, so to speak/as it were, of which the temperature is falling quickly. By the time it hits your tastebuds, it will be exactly ten degrees minus room temp - if you're doing it right.
b) One plate at a time people - you can have more once your finished. Don't be a social clod and try holding three paper plates in your hand like you're holding cards, there's no dignity in that and you're simply defeating the purpose of the small portions parameters. Hungry? High, perhaps? Fine - be an embarrassment and take more than one. How much food can you get on one 4" diameter paper plate?
Here's a tip: If you're holding your plate halfway up your torso and the level of food reaches shirt pocket level, you've got too much - best not to be more of a spectacle than the event you're attending. Do what you will free food over-achievers, I'm just saying.
c) Find semi-discreet location to consume tiny amounts of food - once it has reached the appropriate temperature. Consume - such functions are not acceptable places to eat as if you're headed to the electric chair, for there are often photographers at such events. You should, for the sake of safety and vanity, have in your hand, a napkin - if said napkin is linen, it is not yours to keep as a fucking souvenir, so remember that. If all that is available for napkins are paper cocktail napkins, you should have a stack of 'em no thicker than the sole of your shoes - wearing platform shoes? Discretion is the better part of valor. Check it, yo.
d) Disposal of tiny paper plates - with, or without food items on the plate. Not all the food at these functions is good - sometimes none of it is. I found out - by accident mind you, that the black linen napkin provided for me, actually tasted better than the mini-black bean burgers they were serving. I also found out that two jumbo shrimp on a 1/2" skewer are a bitch to remove from...hey, now I get the food/music tie-in! Rolling Stones - Bitch....
Feeling hungry, can't see the reason
Just had a horsemeat pie
Also a bitch, is rotating between your drink and your small plate of food. It's up to you to decide which of the two is more important. Also up to you to find your own damn spot to rest your plate or glass on while you rotate between the two. Don't look for help - we're not breaking bread here people, we're socializing.
The worst thing you can do at an event like this is to show up hungry - if you do, don't expect that to end well. Just saying. Go ahead, try and fill up - just don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone else at this function won't notice, because they will notice and you will be fodder for amusing conversation/observation - some people may even point - and laugh at you. Deal with that, Hungry, Hungry Hippo. Ain't nobody look good standing there with a plastic wine glass in one hand, shit piling up and falling off a 4" paper plate in the other. Is that you? Party Foul numero uno.
What was I talking about? Oh yes, disposal. Perhaps more opportunity/risk of party foul here than at any other point. One is always far away from a trash can, and too many things can happen once you're done, insert air quote here, eating - and here. In the case of this event, I saw perhaps the grand prize winner of the party foul contest, and I'ma tell you about it - right now. Dude looks around for a trash can - and mind you he's of the social clod elite, holding a double-decker stack of plates piled with the 9 inch long skewers (enough for fireplace kindling actually), linen napkin, various & sundry other food that he piled high on his plate(s) thinking he'd be keen on.
Guy waits for the exact moment someone he was talking to turned away, and finds a ledge the exact width of the paper plates for all intents and purposes. Puts his stack on the ledge, turns his back to it and kind of backs in, I guess to make sure it stayed there and no one saw him doing this. As he sees it, his plan worked perfectly. I saw it another way, because while he was backing up and trying to discretely get rid of his trash, the top plate upended into the back of his blazer. Oops. Hello Turkey Wellington spot on the back of a sport coat, thanks Poetic Justice Man!
Look, I'm not saying I haven't tried to be so discrete at disposing of a paper plate at this kind of function, that you'd think I was planting a bomb....but really? Look around the next time you're at this kind of event, I bet you'll see half a dozen people thinking they're being slick in stashing this kind of trash. Man up, good people - you're not.
Score more party foul points if you see someone working the event you're attending coming towards you with an empty platter - and you assume that platter is a bus tray. Score more party foul points if you see one of these event workers coming at you with a tray piled seriously high with empty plates and other items that he or she is disposing of, and you stick your trash on top of it knowing the whole time that you're at serious risk of toppling the whole mess. I bet you suck at Jenga, don't you?
Next post, I'll get to the good stuff, y'know, the Bon Jovi and Justin Bieber sightings that took place during the after "dinner" cocktail hour. Cheers.
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