Orders

I work part time as a bartender in a Thai restaurant. When I started that gig I was frustrated by how my employers did things - simple things seemed to be made much more difficult than necessary, and anything more detail oriented seemed to be thrown together in the most half-assed way imaginable. I have a lot of experience under my belt and when I share stories about how differently this particular employer does things, my friends in the business often refuse to believe me - so I'll share a few examples with them to illustrate my point(s), and then laughter ensues. Now I'm no longer frustrated, at least to the extent I once was, at how things are done - and mind you this is the only place I've ever worked at that does things this differently. Now I almost always find it amusing. I've come to accept the fact that this is a place owned and run by people who simply have a culture that is in many ways different from my own. Having said that, I've come to appreciate the experience of this place...most of the time.

Before I go any further into this post, I should point out that some of the best belly laughs I've had have been at my own expense. It is this very fact that allows me a certain license to laugh at others and I'm fine with being laughed at by them. What I will say that amazes me at this employer, perhaps more than anything else that I've struggled to accept in this place, is how bad these people can be at listening. I truly love these people folks, this is merely an observation. Allow me to share a recent example of this from my attempting to order Creme de Almond last week:

Me, on the phone with the state liquor store to place a liquor order - and since Creme De Almond is a lower proof liquor, I'm prepared for the possibility that the rep is going to tell me I'll have to order it from one of my distributors: Do you have Creme De Almond?

Liquor Store Representative: No - Ohio took it off their inventory.

I finish my liquor order and think that surely with Creme De Almond being a lower proof item, one of my distributors will have it. I'm also not worried about it, because the only thing on our drink menu that calls for this liquor is a Zombie - and the recipe calls for a mere half ounce of the stuff. We have Amaretto, which is better at the whole taste-like-almonds game anyway. No worries right? Wrong, at least if you're my boss's brother, who is in a state of mild panic because the last of our bottle of Creme De Almond is gone. Last time I looked, it was slightly less than half full. (I prefer the term half full to half empty, being a "glass half full" kinda guy) Half full on this bottle means I have perhaps two dozen Zombies and I don't need to worry on account of having Amaretto - but there's nothing I can do to convince the boss man's brother here.

I'm not sure, but I think it may be required by law that any Thai or Chinese restaurant that has a liquor license has to have a drink menu that has Zombies and Mai Tais on it. In my experience, the two are nearly interchangeable. Both are rum heavy cocktails with fruit juice, served in a ridiculously large glass that needs to be picked up with both hands. It may also be required by law that either of these drinks are garnished with at least one of the following items: a) a small, colorful paper umbrella with tiny hand-painted Asian artwork on it - this is a dilemma for any bartender who is superstitious enough to believe in the old saying that it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors...b) a ridiculously large slice of pineapple, maybe some oranges and definitely a lot of cherries. Make no mistake about it, this drink is one big glass of giggle juice that is built to catch your eye before it messes with your motor skills. Drink safely please.

 I digress. Boss man's brother is far too upset that his brother's fine establishment doesn't have any Creme De Almond in the house and I'm on it - but I'm having one hell of a time convincing him of that. When I place my order with the two wine distributors that also carry lines of foo-foo stuff, I ask both if they have Creme De Almond. Both of them tell me they're not sure and they can call me back when they find out. I tell them no worries, if you have it please put two bottles on my order, if not, so be it - I can use Amaretto.

I understand perfectly how this whole situation will play out. Quite simply, I'll either get the Creme De Almond or I won't - I've done everything I can to try and get it, but it seems impossible to get Boss man's brother to listen and understand that. I'm a bit confused in trying to do this because Boss man's brother seems to have a very good command of the English language - but it seems to be his ears that are the problem:

Boss Man's brother: you need to order Creme De Almond, you don't have Creme De Almond, you should have Creme De Almond, you need to have a bottle of it in the well and a back up bottle. Why didn't you order Creme De Almond?

Me: I did try to order it from the liquor store and she told....

Boss Man's brother: No, no no...not try to order, you need to orrrrrrrderrrrr - they cannot send the Creme De Almond unless you orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrr it, so you need to orrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrr the Creme De Almond from the liquor store so they can send it you understand. (As a reader, you should know that this man dragged out the word order, enough to make it last like an entire sentence all by its lonesome.)

Me (thinking):  Hear me out - I've got a perfectly good reason for why we don't have this stuff, stay with me here - you'll get it if you pay attention.

Me (talking): I tried to order it from the liquor store and they told me Ohio took it off the inventory so we may not be able to get it - sometimes they do that and....

Boss Man's brother: no, no no - you have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it. Not try, you orrrrderrrrr. I get it before, we have Creme De Almond here, but we're OUT of it right now so you must, must orrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it you understand? Not try, you orrrrderrrrrrr.  We have Creme De Almond here! You have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it.

Me (thinking): If we're out of it, then we don't have it...we had it, as in past tense - we no longer have it...and that would be exactly why I would orrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrr it.

Me (talking): Let me explain - the woman at the liquor store said that Ohio took it off the inventory list, so they don't have it...

Boss Man's brother, cutting me off...again: No, no...you have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrr, you did not orrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrr  after I told you we don't have it and we need it, you understand that you have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I looked on the paper with the liquor order and you didn't orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrr Creme De Almond so that is why they did not send, why didn't you orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it after I told you we need? You understand?

This is taking a long time - I know, right? I wish I was exaggerating folks, but this is exactly how it's going and I can't get it to stop. Even walking away after telling Boss Man's bro that I did try to order Creme De Almond(from three different sources and I struck out at all of them) has him following me around repeating the same directions! I'm caught in a seemingly endless loop of questions and one word sentences of the word, orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I  find this all of the following: a) annoying b) extremely amusing c) frustrating - both because I can't for the life of me make it stop, even in walking away, and because no one will believe me. No one, that is, unless it's someone who has worked with this guy - you know who you are.

Me (talking): I did ask the liquor store for two bottles of Creme De Almond, they don't have it.

Boss Man's brother: The liquor store doesn't have Creme De Almond? Yes, we buy from the liquor store, we need to buy some Creme De Almond from them, so why did you not orrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from them?

Me (thinking): I want to box your ears so hard that your glasses break into pieces...not because I want to hurt you, but because I want something, anything, to make you listen to what I'm trying to tell you. If I can't box your ears, then I'd like the film crew from that MTV show Boiling Point to be filming this conversation because that way people would believe me when I share stories with them about how often I have to repeat myself with you sometimes - and I'm not sure how long my boiling point is going to last, though it's already gone longer than I'd have guessed.

Me (talking): I did try to order it - from the liquor store AND from Hammer and Superior. I told Hammer and Superior to send us two bottles IF they have it.

Boss Man's brother: Oh...so you did not orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrr , because it did not come. See you must orrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrr  and you did not orrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrr it because it is not here because it did not come because you did not orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrr, I see now.

Me (thinking): Uh, no...you do not see.

Me (talking): Please listen - I'm telling you why it is not here, and I did try to orrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrr it from three different places.

 I only said the word order like he did once in this whole episode, and the man looked up at me like I was nuts - which I may have been by this point.

Boss Man's brother: I get it before from Hammer, I can get it - you understand? You have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it or else they will not bring it. I get before. I will do your job, I will orrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrr it.

I wish I could say that this didn't go on longer than it does even here, but it did. I wish I knew why it is often so tough to get a point across to these people at times. When I finally got to a point in the evening where even the Boss Man's brother stopped asking/talking about this very minor dilemma, we were wrapping up our evening and closing down. As I head out the front door to go home, Boss Man's brother stops me as my hand is on the door:

Boss Man's brother: So do not worry - I will orrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Creme De Almond because you did not orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, so we will have it because I will orrrrrrrderrrrr some, but you must understand that you have to orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr this ok? Next time you orrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, yes?

I bid him goodnight, but in my head, I think - AIYA, which is a Catonese expression of exasperation. Funny how I'm of French/German/Irish/Polish descent, but I often find myself using that expression as much as these people do. Every word here is true folks, swear.