In a couple of days, it'll be two years since a dear friend left this earthly life for the other side. 2021 was a year that was bookended by the loss of two dear friends - both of which were friendships that went on for more years than I want to count. One for half of my life, one for most of my life. 2021 was the year after the pandemic - and the pandemic was the year everyone said they would give back if only they could. As much as the pandemic and all it created to alter our lives sucked, I'd gladly take 2020 over 2021. So if I could give back a year, it would be '21.
2021 is the year that started with the passing of my dear friend Tom. We met quite a few years ago when both of us were tending bar at a dinner theater. Pretty much an instant brotherly connection on account of music - and humor. Tom would unknowingly become the older brother I never had. Tom was an encourager. Had it not been for him, I may not have pushed myself to give college a try. Had it not been for him, I may not have hung onto my desire to play music and I certainly wouldn't have been hipped to so much good music. And without Tom's friendship, my life would have had so much less laughter. And don't even get me started on the best advice, given calmly, knowingly & reasonably - advice that you couldn't help but listen to and take because of its delivery. Tom had a magical way of zeroing in on the important points in any given dilemma - often when I either didn't see it, or didn't want to see it.
Like any friendship - particularly one that exists for years with no end in sight, there were ups and downs, disagreements, laughter and tears. Loads of meaningful conversations - more of which made their mark than I could even think of. The memories of those come up, sometimes out of nowhere and other times they hit me because something makes me think of him in the current state of my day and whatever may be going on. Humor brings up a lot of my memories of Tom. I hope that never changes - and it was a massive component in our friendship. Like I said, humor and music. Everything is better with those two elements. Everything would be so much worse without either one of them.
Last week it was the humor that had me feeling like Tom was still here and taking part in what I thought was a very amusing segment on NPR. Without the boring details, I'll just say that the reporter's voice sounded hilarious and it didn't seem to go with the subject matter - crab fishing in Alaska and how it has been adversely affected by climate change. For starters, it reminded me of a pre-concert dinner. Our waiter had a similar voice. You had to be there, but some very amusing lines were spoken that night. Lots of yucks.
So last week on my way home from work, I'm listening to this segment & try as I may, I cannot stop being amused at this reporter's voice - and it was like I could feel the conversation and laughter that would take place were I riding in the car with Tom and hearing this. I could sense the sophomoric lines that we'd trade off every time one of us thought of something that hypothetically could be said - but wasn't. There would come a point where we'd have thought, 'Ok, enough - we've about covered all the ground we can here...' but then one of us would think of something else that we'd have to throw out there because we'd be pretty sure that it would crack the other up - and it almost always would.
This was so intense that I'm attributing it to Tom being there in the only way he could now - in my memories, in my knowing him over years of friendship. It was easy to see how he would've laughed at something I said, or him saying something that would open the floodgates of my laughter. Sometimes I think of Tom and I wonder what he would think of things - musical things, funny things and certainly political things. But on this particular day in my car, it really felt like I didn't have to wonder what he'd think, I swear I could feel it, sense it like he was actually in the car with me and we were on our way to or from a concert - one that he'd either convinced me to go to (Tom always knew when cool shows were coming up), or one that I'd convinced him to go to. Those invites, regardless of which side they would come from, were rarely declined. So yeah, humor and music brought us together - loads of memories that are filled with both. More to come on all that.
At the end of 2021, my dear old friend Paul left us. In under 30 days, we went from news that got worse by the day, to Paul being gone. I've known Paul for most of my life, having met him back in junior high - which I guess they call middle school now. Pffft...middle finger to that nonsense, it was f'n junior high then, it's junior high now as far as I'm concerned.
Humor - that was the big connection with Paul. Humor and the fact that we had similar events in our childhood that bonded us - but we didn't give much thought to that until we were both grown ass men who grew up enough to notice some of what bonded us. There would be a lot of that as the years went on. There were times when we wouldn't see each other, wouldn't have any contact at all for so many life events, but we were connected via mutual friendships - Paul, his brothers Pat and Matt, Jeff, Tony and myself. And then we'd reconnect in person and that friendship was still there, none the weaker for not seeing each other for God knows how long, but stronger for having existed for years. Do I still belong here in this meadow of friendship? Belong? We all made this meadow, hell yes, I belong here - and I need to never forget that.
Paul was better at sports than I was. More than being due to natural athletics, Paul was better because he f'n just refused to give up - it just wasn't in his nature, ever. I may have learned most of the importance of cherishing long term friendships from Paul - because he kept friendships and nurtured them from his school days right into grown ass man adulthood and everything, good/bad/indifferent that came his way on the road of life. Every morning I drink my coffee out of a cup that Paul gave me some years ago. In a couple of days, we'll be at the second anniversary of him leaving us. This morning when I made coffee, I thought 'Good morning, brother' and then I realized it's been two years. I wasn't sad - until I got to this paragraph. I don't want to be sad today - I don't think Paul or Tom would want me to be sad. I wonder if they miss me even half as much as I miss them. Being the over thinker that I am, I wonder if I was half as good a friend to them as they were to me. I wonder if they know how much I miss them. I wonder if they know how much of what they gave to me over years of friendship is still with me.
I'm not much for cemeteries - not in terms of visiting any departed loved one. I've tried, there's just too much negative about a goodbye with that kind of depth that exists in cemeteries that to me, are the worst of memories. I have too many other memories that represent the person so much better for me - and those memories live in my heart, my soul - which is where the relationship lived all along. Memories like the ones I've barely alluded to in the paragraphs above. Trust me, I've kept those and I revisit them often.
I'm going to conjure up a few of those memories today, on this colder Fall day. I've shed a tear or two for both of these dearly departed friends on this day off - I miss them both immensely and I'd give anything to have a conversation with both of them. I got nothin' - but to say that both of their memories are very much alive in me. Guess it'll have to do for now. Time to get out and see what I can photograph of Fall. Peace, good people - cherish long term friendships, cherish family and especially cherish the friendships that turn friends into family. Cherish memories of all of those.
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