I caved. In the last 24 hours, I have fallen victim to one of the biggest ads on the blue and white - I ordered a big ass knife. It's hideous looking - like something a f'n viking would use for anything he wanted to use it for. Don't even tell me you haven't seen these ads, because they're like dog shit - they're everywhere. Watch just one of these ads and then watch how the blue and white peppers your news feed with more ads, for the same f'n knife. Screw all the friends and relatives in your news feed, at least on every other post you'll see. The rest of the posts will be for the hideous Viking knife from more manufacturers than Opie Taylor had freckles. That's a f'k of a lot.
Don't expect any help navigating through the vast sea of freckle ads from various companies all claiming their Viking knife is better at raping and pillaging its way through every single task that would normally require you to own a complete set of chef knives in its own roll-up protective satchel - or whatever the f'k you call the thing that chefs roll up their knives in at the end of a shift. I don't know what that thing is called - though in my defense, I've seen a line cook or two roll up their knives in hand towels & toss 'em in their backpack. The Viking knife I'm talking about here though, I don't think you'd want to do that with one of those, and make no mistake about it, you only need one of these knives. Trust me, if you've seen the video, this m'r f'r does everything. Every. Thing.
There is no job too small for this Viking knife - this f'n Viking knife!. There is no job too large either, so don't even Google it. Don't take my word for it - watch the video and see for your m'r f'n self. It's all filmed in glorious, buy me right the f'k now cinematography. All you gotta do is watch. Oh, just a heads up: you're gonna watch it more than once. Why? Because it's f'n cool. Not cool enough for you to buy your own BAVK (Big Ass Viking Knife), at least not the first few times you watch it. Probably take half a dozen times or so.
And the Lord said, on the seventh time, you shall covet your very own BAVK. Why? Because the Lord hath said so. Also, while you were watching the BAVK commercial for the seventh time, on the seventh day - which we all know is the Sabbath, a day of rest - so sayeth the Lord, look it up - unless biblical verses are something you'd rather not say because it's really too personal (which means you've never once read anything inside a bible - but let's not get political here)...anyway, you're watching the BAVK commercial again, one cup in and amazed. It's making you hungry. You're thinking about what you want to make for breakfast - only now, you want to make your breakfast outside in the snow, beside a flowing brook - not just any brook, but the one you thought "Wow...this is the perfect spot to build a campfire and make myself something to eat - right here by this brook, in a foot and a half of snow. Why the actual f'k do I have this uncontrollable urge to make myself breakfast outside in the snow? I'll tell you why. One reason: One knife.
Let me tell you a few things about this knife right off the rip - and mine hasn't even shipped yet. How do I know, you ask? Because I've seen the videos like twelve times now, so believe me - I know.
First off, this knife is big. Huge. It's also ugly - but so ugly that it's the most beautiful piece of cutlery you've ever laid eyes on, and you'll say this too after watching it slice and dice the following sequence of non-sensical items (all of which are staged to convince you that this knife will gladly handle anything you, your wife, kids, mother or pet monkey will want it to do.
1) Coconuts (none are actually consumed, they're just fun to slice up - shells and all)
2) Bananas. Right after the coconuts too. You wouldn't think it could....shut yer front door!
3) 5 lbs of beef tenderloin, frozen & still in the wrapper.
4) The bent fender from your uncles '79 Honda Goldwing
5) I know it's showing off, but use it to curl up the ends of ribbon on the presents your wife just finished wrapping for the kids - yeah, this knife can do that too.
How big is this BAVK? Big. The size of the blade looks like your dad pulled it off of the family station wagon from the back right quarter panel he was trying to Bondo. It looks that way, that ugly because the upper 3/4 of the metal on the blade doesn't appear to be ground/sanded down to the bare metal and almost looks like it has primer on it - don't worry, this isn't the part of the blade that will touch any of your meat and produce that you'll cut up with your very own BAVK. In all fairness, it does look like you could get tetanus from this knife, but as one can easily see in the video, it's harmless. It's also not the part of the blade that you'll plunge tip first with a resounding THUNK/THUD into a nearby tree stump in between all your effortless chopping, dicing and scrapping. You may well be afraid, but your BAVK isn't.
If knives were school kids, your BAVK whooped the Ginsu's ass and took its lunch money every single day. It did so with more grace than a ballerina too. Over and over again. Look, I know all of this sounds too good to be true - and it is, at least for the first half a dozen times you see the video. On the seventh time though, which might take as many weeks - or months, you'll believe. Yes, you'll believe on that seventh viewing, you'll be hungry (AF) and you'll have this uncontrollable urge for the great outdoors to be where you'll make your next three meals out in, sans gloves - and you couldn't explain why to your wife if she had her own BAVK to your throat. If this doesn't scare - and thrill, the living B-JEEZUS outta you, consider the following:
Faceless, rugged outdoor dude (or dude-ette - although if she's a woman, she's got LeBron sized hands) just used the knife you're about to order for the following tasks without a rest:
1) Cut the stop sign at the end of his street off at the top of the metal post it was on. Why? Because it can.
2) Cut in half a quart container of grape tomatoes. No big whoop here, until you realize that the knife didn't move an inch - it was being held upside down, sharp edge facing the Heavens above - and the grape tomatoes were simply dropped on the the sharp edge from a height of - get this, a mere two inches. I know. Be careful, for the love of God.
3) Just for shits and giggles, while I go look for the half foot thick cut of beef that I'm going to slice into SteakUm thin cuts to grill by the fire, why don't I just bury the tip end of this blade into the dirt at my feet. Speaking of feat, this is nothing to sneeze at since the ground is half frozen. Huh, in the commercial it looks soft as butter...
4) Pull said knife you just ordered out of semi-frozen ground and chiffonade 4 cups of fresh basil leaves - you read that right, just do it.
5) Now use the knife to cut the fat off of the side of beef before you cut it into tissue paper thin individual steaks - note that you would have a more difficult time removing a Post-It note off of your refrigerator door than you will separating the fat from the beef here - but only if you buy this knife. I know, right? That's why I did it. What. An. Amazing. F'n. Knife - also included: implied, lifelong knife skills - and without your very own scars.
6) Finally - last food item to prep with your new knife, and no, it's not the least bit cold outside in the snow as you make your breakfast with only two things: 1) your very own BAVK 2) the 9 pound, cast iron skillet you brought outside with you on your two mile hike to find a flowing brook: Shred up six cups of dark chocolate by whipping it on the blade of your new, nasty looking BAVK - don't be a pussy, hold the chocolate in your bare hand. When you're done w/the chocolate and you have a pile that looks like sprinkles for ice cream, thunk the knife blade, tip first into the nearest tree stump.
All of these things and more, can be seen in video proof on men with the pot dot com....although I may have happened upon this particular site hoping for something completely different. Nonetheless, I have ordered a knife so big that it looks like an entire sheet of drywall would be easier to maneuver than the delicate slicing and dicing this knife will do. Stay tuned folks - and I'm keeping all of my f'n fingers too.
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