Shoe!

I'll openly admit that I have a not-so slight shoe obsession. Oh believe me, I know exactly where and when it started - in my teen years, and it started because I grew up in a family where brands like Adidas, Converse, Nike, Onitsuka Tiger and Puma were not in our family budget. I'm not bitter, but you best believe that the moment I got a job, I put such brands in my budget. The memory of a pair of cheap, department store sneakers that I thought were a bargain and were like being on ice skates once they hit a gym floor for intramural basketball made a lasting impression on me. My dogs cain't work in cheap shoes. Nevermore.

To this day, I f'kn hate cheap, ill-fitting shoes. You know the kind of shoes that are cranked out by toddlers of far off lands in such mass quantities that the manufacturer screams, "Boxes?? You mean shoe boxes? Fuck boxes, string 'em together in pairs & ship 'em off to discount department stores - let John Q. Public ask no sales clerk some bullshit question like, 'Can I see these crappy shoes in a ten and a half?? Dude! You can see these crappy shoes en masse,  in every size known to mankind, spread out like a field of sweet corn - BEHOLD! Discomfort and foot pain await you! - and for less than what you bought from Starbucks!"

And so it was, and so it is to this very day. I'm more than a little obsessed with good sneakers. Good shoes in general, being a person who is on their feet a lot. I've eaten so many meals, partial and full that it sometimes feels odd to sit down and eat. I've eaten so many meals standing up that I've seriously considered throwing together a seven course tasting menu event for industry peeps...imagine how that would go down..."Good evening - party of six? If you're ready, we can stand you right over here....

My point is, good shoes are important. Good, comfortable/nice shoes. You can have your f'kn flip-flops and their highly annoying click-snap-slap off the bottom of your bare heel every time you move your foot, which happens a lot. Trust me, that isn't pissing anyone off close by. For anyone slow on the uptake this morning, that last line was typed dripping with sarcasm.

Next up, you can have your f'kn Crocs too. More dripping sarcasm alert. Jesus. Seriously? Impersonally molded footwear, pooped out of some machine in any color you want. So many color options, yet it's still hard to figure out what they'll look good with. Here's a hint: Nothing. They look good with nothing. What's worse than how they look? How they feel - and no, I haven't tried a pair on, ever. My feet know better - I'll not give them the pleasure of saying I told you so. Ever...well, I have caved in my athletic footwear obsession and bought 2 or 3 retro styled pairs of sneakers - and I did so because they reminded me of the shoes I never had until I started earning my own money. They look cool as f'k...but I'll tell you something: For all the pomp and circumstance of a marketing tag line that says something like, "The exact same shoes worn by the 1966 Olympic teams", if you fall for even a hope of comfort once you've passed the 40 mile marker in life, you deserve every ounce of the pain your dogs are going to hit you with - and trust me, they will hit you with it in spades. There's a very good reason why sneaker design has evolved since 1966. Trust me, I know - I have a couple of pairs of these retros. A friend looked at my feet and commented - "Dude, I bet those retros are comfy as fuck, ain't they?" Me: No - no they're not.

I work on my feet. At this stage of my journey, I'm on my feet so much that it's like the old cliche about a horse sleeping standing up. While I've never slept standing up, I wouldn't rule it out. I used to have a coworker who would show me some hideous choices in footwear given the work that was ahead of us on a busy night. NOTE: Hiya, Randi. Don't hate on me - not judging, just saying.

On one particular night, she showed me shoes that, well, if we're being honest here - and we are, should've seen a dumpster months ago. Their only defense seemed to be that they still looked stylish from the top. There are two sides to every story. My coworker's side was that she said she loved these particular shoes and didn't want to get rid of them...or something non-sensical as she showed me the bottoms. Holy crap - hole-y shoes! I've had more obstructed views looking out the peephole of the back door to our kitchen than looking through the holes in the shoes she showed me. Do people really wear shoes that have soles that our cocktail napkins are four times thicker than??? Turns out some people do. My memory is a bit foggy, but I think I said something along the lines of 'Well, don't come crying to me in an hour when your feet are hurting - actually it might be better if you just worked in bare feet...I mean, what could go wrong?"

All this rambling is what happens when I open and discard various and sundry emails while having coffee, which is rumored to be a very non-productive thing to do first off in the morning. Turns out that's true...heyyyyyy, what's this sale from Zappos dot com?? (I'm not sure if Imelda Marcos likes Zappos more than I do) What if there's a pair of Asics that I don't need?? Click. Wow, there's a shit ton of Crocs popping up here! As if...God dammit! Where are my molded plastic shoes? Yeah, the ones that are waterproof, but are filled with holes...the ones that feel like I'm wearing Tupperware??

My motto is simple: Crocs f'kn never, Asics forever.  A lot of Asics. Reminds me of Imelda Marcos, which reminds me of a song from Mark Knopfler's gem of a solo album, Golden Heart. Peace, good people. Go forth and have a great week...ready, set.....GO.