It's always nice, he typed, knowing his words were dripping a steady deluge of sarcasm, when people drop names in the hopes of influence. As I sit here typing on this frigid afternoon, drinking Mexican hot chocolate, while my black bean chicken chili cooks, I see a post on the blue & white from a friend who also works in the business. It's a post about customers dropping names and hoping that doing so will turn things around 180 degrees. It usually doesn't work that way. I suppose you could say that most of us who work in the business aren't especially fond of such scare tactics - though personally, I find them rather amusing. I say that because it's a little bit funny, how they put down to words, just how much more important the dropper wants to show me, and John Q. Public (not his real name) just how much more important he or she is than any of the rest of us. Oh and I'm not one of those who could, easily, hide...
There was a running joke at one place I worked. People would drop the owner's name at the slightest hint of disappointment. The owner is a friend of mine (subtle name drop reference numero uno) and we often laughed about just how ridiculous it sounded it sounded when his name, Brad, was dropped. Maybe you had to be there, but name drops often go a bit like this:
John Q. Public: Do you have Walleye tonight?
Me - though it really could be anyone who works for Brad, but I might be slightly better at humorous observations: No sir, I'm sorry we do not have Walleye this evening - we do have a nice Copper River Salmon however...and that's really good.
J.Q.P. : No Walleye?? You're serious? I'm really hungry for Walleye - it was great the last time I had it here...
Me - thinking: Yessir - that Walleye dish you had the last time you were in kicked serious culinary ass...two months ago.
Me, speaking: I remember that - that WAS good. The Copper River Salmon looks even better, if you can imagine such a thing...
J.Q.P. : Yeah...my wife and I hate Salmon...we're both more Walleye people.
At this point, J.Q.P. looks at his wife, and they started acting like I can't hear them talking about me, the fact that we don't have Walleye this evening, and Brad, the owner - who is also my boss, and my friend, and, as it turns out, is not in the house on this particular evening. Here are the first few things that are highly amusing to a sarcastic smart ass like myself:
a) The way they're talking, it appears as though they think I don't even know who Brad is.
b) They're also speaking like I'm not standing less than two feet away from them, or possibly there is a soundproof acrylic barrier between us that is not unlike those found in limousines, which prevents me from hearing any of what they're saying - there isn't.
c) They're also talking like I'll sure as hell find some Walleye for them now that they're throwing Brad's name around and they've shown me that they know him. Never mind the fact that there isn't any Walleye in the house, and again, there's no Brad in the house - but that doesn't mean I misbehave when Brad, the owner, my boss and my friend, isn't around.
J.Q.P. - to his wife, Mrs. J.Q.P. : He said they don't have any Walleye - I want Walleye, don't you?
Mrs. J.Q.P. : Yes I want Walleye - that's the reason I wanted to come here, for Walleye...WHO said they don't have any Walleye?? Ask him if Brad's here - Brad will get some Walleye for us - I'm hungry!
J.Q.P. : The bartender said they don't have it, I'm gonna ask if I can talk to Brad - I'll ask Brad about the Walleye...
Mrs. J.Q.P. : Ask him if you can speak to Brad - how would the bartender know if they even have Walleye? Just ask for Brad honey, ask for Brad...the bartender doesn't know...what's his name? We should mention this to Brad...ask him for his name, and then ask him to get Brad.
Brad, Brad, Brad. Blah, blah, blah. As it turns out, I know the owner, Brad, too. I suspect I know him better than you, but that's of no importance at the moment. It's also more than a little amusing how these people are trying to basically scare me into getting something that isn't available tonight.
Me, thinking: Um, for starters, I know we don't have Walleye tonight because I fucking work here and it's my job to know such things, so that's how I'd know. Secondly, I'm less than two feet away from you and you can't really think that you're invisible to me, but even if I were blind and worked here as a bartender because Brad, my boss, my friend AND the owner of this fine establishment, pulled some strings for me - much like the kind of strings you'd have me believe he'd pull for you, if he were here this evening and knowing how you both feel about fucking Walleye...but he's so not here tonight, we don't have Walleye, I'm not blind - so not only can I SEE you both talking about me as if I weren't here, I'm sure as hell not deaf and I can HEAR every word...since you're not exactly whispering.
Right about now is when I start to think that these people know Brad quite well, having been introduced to him once, in passing - perhaps in a busy shopping mall during the Holidays, by their babysitter's nephew's cousin's, neighbor's wife's son's friend's mother's neighbor's cousin's son - who was in English class with Brad's son - but they can't remember his name. (Subtle name drop, numero dos: Brad Jr)
I'm starting to realize that I actually know Brad much better than they do. There isn't an opportunity for me to mention two Grateful Dead shows I went to with Brad - neither of which did either of us have Walleye before, during or after - if memory serves me well. I worked for him long enough that a lot of the people who know him, also know my name - and coincidentally, are usually the ones who don't even mention Brad or ask to speak to him because they usually know when he's around.
Me, speaking: Brad's not actually here tonight - he was earlier, but he's not here now. I'm sorry about not having the Walleye, but there's a lot of great things on the menu...
J. Q. P. , looking annoyed, shocked, but confident that, because he knows Brad, both he and his wife will have Walleye tonight: Brad's not HERE?...are you saying that you don't have Walleye AND Brad, the guy who owns this place, isn't here, in his own restaurant?
Me, thinking: Holy GOD am I ever in trouble NOW....this guy knows Brad...I wish I'd think before I opened my fairly well informed mouth sometimes, maybe I can get someone to cover me so I can run to the store and buy some Walleye...yessir, why didn't you SAY you knew Brad? That changes everything, and now, since you know BRAD, I'll pull two Walleye dinners outta my ass, which there's no way in HELL I'd do for any other customer, but the ones who know BRAD. Stand back folks, I'm about to bust into cartwheels and other amazing things that only those who know BRAD get to see....you should've said SO!
Me, speaking: No sir, Brad is not here tonight, I'll be glad to give him a message for you if you like - and I'm sorry, but we don't have Walleye this evening...
J. Q.P. - whipping out his cell phone: Do you have his number? This is a new phone, so I don't have his number in here yet...honey, lemme see your phone, you have Brad's number in your phone? How do you spell his last name...?
Me, thinking: I knew it, I knew you didn't know Brad...at least not well.
Me, speaking: I don't, actually (I'm lying, but I get a hall pass to do so, because I'm not about to give Brad's home, or cell number to this guy - and I know Brad well enough to be confident that Brad, my boss, my friend and the owner of the place I work at, is probably okay with that - I mean, sure, I might have hell to pay for not coming up with some Walleye, but....)
Note: While similar in both the nature and actual occurrence of, in addition to the frequency of, the events depicted in this post are not actual events with real participants. Any similarities of said events and/or people experiencing such events, is purely coincidental and not meant to offend anyone.
Disclaimers aside, I can often do magic. You know the owner? Why didn't you say so? Voila! Two Walleye dinners, just the way you like them....when you had 'em last..................two months ago. I'm sorry, but I don't have a table for 12 available right now....what's that? You know the owner? Well now, that changes everything...right this way folks. Thank you very much! I'm here all week - try the veal - it's superb...unfortunately I've run out of the Walleye....unless....well, you know Brad.
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