As the coffee lifts the fog from my sarcastic mind this morning, I look outside and see the sun is shining, the last of Fall - which is, make no mistake about it, my season. The early snow will make what's left of the leaves disappear any minute. That's okay - the air on days like this is wonderful - makes one feel alive. Very alive. Yesterday was my day off, and it was great. Had a great workout at the gym, made a great dinner, watched a very informative movie. All good. I'm not even as sore today as I thought I'd be. Not only is today Hump day, it's also Macbook Pro day. Today is the day I get my used laptop. What self-respecting writer wouldn't want to have a laptop to sit in a Starbucks, making sure that a five dollar cup of coffee would be an enabler for my caustic and (hopefully) amusing...ah screw it, loitering.
All kidding aside, I have no intention of visiting a Starbucks with my laptop in some trendy man purse...never say never, but I don't go to Starbucks in a pre-Macbook Pro world. Anyway, seeing as how my writing, and more specifically, this blog, have earned me about twenty cents less than the paper route I had as a kid, I'm on a budget - so I bought a used laptop.
As I wrote an email to a friend, it occurred to me that I bought an Apple with baggage perhaps. We all have baggage, it's just that the older I get, the less I wanna pay for extra carryon shit. Holy God, what if the dude I bought this laptop from has a bunch of disgusting, flat-out sick porn on it that is far beyond the normal hobby type stuff....that I've heard about? I mean, I don't wanna judge anyone - I'm just trying to get a Mac on a budget - so used doesn't seem like something I can't live with. Once you go Mac, you never go back.
Any minute now, a big brown truck is gonna drive up, just a few steps from my door. My dog will bark his fool head off. Up will walk a dude dressed in brown. He'll have a brown box for me and his every step closer to my front door will make my dog bark with increasing frequency and volume. I'll fail miserably in convincing him that it's cool, he can chill - though in the final seconds of the UPS dude's approach, I'll be completely irrational about convincing my dog to shut the f up. Be a tense few minutes - he'll bark until the big brown van is outta the parking lot, then a few more times spaced further apart just to let the dude know that he better keep driving. No, Bentley - I will not let you at him - you want he should pepper spray you? You're welcome, now silencio mi pero, silencio!
Fingers crossed that all is well with a used Apple. Holy God do I hope I didn't buy it from some total creep that put so much sick crap on there that even the Genius at the Genius Bar at my local Apple store is clueless to get rid of. How much would this suck:
Apple Store Genius/Clerk( Isn't Genius a bit of a stretch for minimum wage?): Hello, this is Trevor from the Genius Bar at the Apple store - just calling to let you know your laptop is ready for you to pick up.
Yippee. Off I go to the Apple store. As I get out of my car, I can't help but notice that there seems to be a commotion at the shopping center....hmmm....looks like there's something going on at the Apple store.. are those television cameras? I wonder if Blahsville is all the rage now and I'm about to be off the charts...hello AdSense billions...the closer I get to the actual Apple store, I can see that there is definitely something going on in the Apple store.
There's no place to hide in the Apple store. Hell, magical devices that pull all kinds of important data and numbers from your old phone onto your new one, numbers like checking accounts, Social Security, passwords, user names, all of that, just appear out of F'ing nowhere and into the hands of a smiling Apple store Genius - you don't even see it happen. My point? It's all right out in the open on the sales floor of the Apple store.
Hmmm...hey, what the fuck, no, what the actual fuck, is John Walsh doing on the sales floor at my local Apple store?? And with Feds?? No matter, long as I get my MacBook Pro with its freshly cleansed soul, back, I'll be on my way. Not into the heavy crowd scene at stores. Yup, it's me and I'm here to get my computer back. Next thing you know, as I'm standing at the counter all numb with the anticipation of getting the only computer for me at a savings of untold hundreds of dollars, I feel something around my wrist and hear a distinct clicking sound that even I, a guy who doesn't watch much television, recognize as the sound of handcuffs....sonofUHbitch! No, wait - I bought this thing used man, how the hell was I to know what the idiot I bought it from did to it/with it??? I only brought it here to get it cleaned and updated properly - you got the wrong dude, I swear!
Fingers crossed, coffee has now taken effect - let's hope this plays out the way I want it to.
No comments:
Post a Comment