This first installment of an amusing (hopefully) story from the Asian restaurant I run the bar in is actually from a bit further back, but as I was telling the story to some friends recently, they reminded me that I should write it out & post it here, so here it is:
As is usually the case at House of MSG, I'm basically waiting tables while having to make drinks for the entire restaurant - I could elaborate on this blatant exploitation of two jobs that require a fair amount of multi-tasking, but that's best left for another post as there's lots of humor in that scenario.
So I approach a table that is a two-top, but seated at this table is a woman alone. I notice on the chair right across from her is a large piece of luggage. I guess I thought she was on a business trip and may have been about to pull out a laptop, but that was not the case...
As I get close enough to the table to greet this woman and get her drink order, I notice that there is a small dog - perhaps a Pomeranian, not sure - but it's some kind of little yappy dog, cute enough I guess, but the fact that this woman has brought a small dog into the restaurant is a bit of a surprise and I have a lousy poker face. I glance at the dog and my surprise has to be noticeable to this woman, try as I might. Then I notice that on the table, facing me, is a table tent type of sign that reads "Service Animal - I'm working, please do not disturb me" - and there is nothing I can do about the fact that now there is even more surprise showing on my face, along with more than a little confusion.
It takes me perhaps three seconds to get my composure and look at this woman to ask her if she would like something from the bar or something other than ice water to drink. In this case, three seconds is a long time, and this woman wants no part of me doing my job until she justifies the tiny dog with its head sticking out of this luggage and breathing rather heavily through its tiny nostrils.
Woman at my table: You do allow service animals in your dining room don't you? My dog is a service animal and I take him everywhere with me....
Me (thinking): That is the smallest service animal I have ever seen - I didn't think they made 'em that small...what kinda service does this little dog do? I mean most of the service animals I've seen are larger dogs and I know not to give them attention despite my affinity for the breeds of dogs that usually have this kinda job....um, not really interested in putting my hand in a piece of luggage that a yappy little dog head is sticking out of...
All of these thoughts flash in about 4 seconds, which again is a long time.
Me (speaking): uh...yes, yes we do allow service animals in our dinning room.
I did my best to say that and make it sound like I never had any question that this tiny little dog in the duffel bag could be anything but a service dog. I also don't want to sound like I think the woman might be one of those over-the-top little dog owners that takes her precious little dog everywhere she goes. I'm normally pretty confident, but I rather doubt that I've been successful in how I wanted to sound at this moment.
Woman: Good - I think you're required by law to allow them anyway...I'd like some green tea please. You looked surprised to see my dog - I have severe food allergies and my dog is trained to recognize the smells of ingredients that I'm allergic to and let me know....
At that moment the woman's cell phone rings, she gives me a look that says "excuse me - stay right here" - so I use the time to think...
Me (thinking): How exactly does he let you know? It can't be jumping up and down - only his little head is sticking out of the duffel bag and it's a bit hard to tell how much room in there he has...he um, won't do his business in there will he? I mean if he's working in there I'd hope he's duffel bag broken right? Does he taste your food and play dead if there's something in there that you can't eat?? Does he get a treat when he does find something? I'll bet he yaps his little head off if he finds something right? this could get interesting...hey wait a minute....I don't have to take him back to the kitchen with me do I....I mean you've heard the jokes about Asian restaurants right.....I just.....this little dog is gonna bark his fool head off in this place!
Woman: I'll have the wonton soup to start please.
When I return with the woman's soup, I overhear a table next to this woman with a guy making loud remarks:
Guy at table, left his tact either at home or out in the car: Whaddya mean "Service animal "Ellen? what the hell kinda service does that tiny excuse for a dog do?
I have to admit, I had similar thoughts/questions myself - but my delivery would've been a lot nicer, even with my lousy poker face. At this point something about the woman's expression makes me feel that the dog isn't really a service animal, but rather mommy is just too attached to Fido to even think about leaving him at home, or anywhere she's not. Before this woman's meal and visit are through, I'll see proof enough that my suspicion is spot-on.
Woman (talking to me, but saying things loudly enough for the guy at the other table to hear): I can't have any MSG in my food and if there are any vegetables that aren't fresh that you use, either from a can or frozen, I need you to leave those out of my food as well, my dog is trained to recognize the scent of things I'm allergic to...
It is at this precise moment that I realize two things: One, the cooks tell me that MSG is in damn near everything in that kitchen - every sauce for every appetizer or entree. The chicken broth for the wonton soup? A powdered mix - add water, makes its own sauce...er, soup - so there's bound to be MSG in that too. Two, he's about to start barking his little head off any second now - I mean if he's working, he's gonna have to. Actually this dog just looks like he wants out of this duffel bag and given how small he is, I'm amazed that he's staying so calm up to this point - especially if he can smell MSG.
I remember thinking that there was probably nothing on the menu that wouldn't set off this little dog alarm and I try to prepare myself for the next 45 minutes of trying to set an entree in front of this woman that won't have this tiny dog barking like crazy in the dining room. In a span of seconds that seem like an eternity, I imagine the following scenario playing out:
Me approaching the table and setting our signature dish, Pad Thai noodles down in front of the woman, barely letting go of the plate before Fido sounds the alarm:
yapyapyapYAPYAPYAP!!!...yapyapyapyapyapyapyap!
I guess that would translate into something along the lines of:
T.S.D. (Tiny Service Dog): Wait! Don't eat that! Bad food, MSG, preservatives!! Not safe for you! I'll eat it - even though we both know that won't end well, I deserve a reward for saving you from an allergic reaction! This whole place smells like MSG!!
...or something like that. I bring the woman her entree and she eats what she can, asks me to bring her a take-out box for the rest, along with her check. When I do, she says:
Woman at table: So now what do you think of my dog? No trouble at all right?
Me (thinking): What do I think? Well...since you asked, and I KNOW that there's MSG in pretty much everything on our menu, and some of our most used ingredients are indeed canned...I think maybe you should get your money back from the person who sold you this dog I mean he sat silent in his duffel bag the entire time you've been here....or perhaps you just can't stand the thought of going anywhere without your precious little dog, that's what I think.
Me (talking): No trouble at all ma'am. Forgive me please, I didn't realize how many different kinds of service animals there were, but it makes sense given how we see more food allergies these days. I'll take your check up whenever you're ready.
The woman smiles, hands me her credit card. I'm pretty sure the dog wasn't a service animal at all really, because all the woman really said about the little dog seemed geared to the look of surprise on my face when I noticed him. Maybe the dog was having a bad day at the "office", or maybe...and this is a big maybe here, maybe there's not as much MSG in the food as I'm told there is. I have my doubts there. Maybe that's why people make jokes about common household animals being used as food in Asian restaurants- because I don't know what these places would do if they didn't have MSG around, so of course they would want to get rid of anything that lets people in on the secret right? I'm confident this woman had a healthy dose of the stuff in her food that night, that's all I'm saying - and I never heard so much as a yap out of Fido.
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