Lifting of Thoughts

I've mentioned that I'm struggling with a small matter of the heart and while I don't particularly like that, I do know that I'm not dealing with anything that is all that tough. I have friends who are dealing with far worse than my minor disappointment that I'm feeling over the events of the last 3 or 4 months. I'm being vague because I'm simply tired of this person taking up space in my mind and my heart. If things are really as they appear now, then I wasn't truly cared for to begin with and it appears that the person on the other end has only the capacity to care in terms of how it will benefit them. For those of you reading this who actually know me, you know that is not my style - never has been.

So I move on, I wish I could say that I didn't think about her quite often - but I can deal with that. I've lived up to what I said I would do in this - I was there every time she asked me to be there as a friend, and as anything more than that, though I had my limits there. I also said that I would accept her not wanting me around in any capacity and that I would comply - I have done that as well. I have sent a few texts - it's not as if I've stopped thinking about her. For the record, I said that I wouldn't like it, and true to my word, I don't.

Now we get to the meat of why I'm not dealing with anything that's even remotely tough. I have a friend who recently got divorced - and under some very shocking and hurtful events. Six years with someone and a wedding that was probably the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen, and a little more than a year later, it's all over. I doubt that any of us saw this one coming. I feel completely foolish when I think I'm sad or disappointed after meeting someone and any of the hopes I saw vanishing after a few weeks. Am I sad? A bit, but I'm not angry and I stand behind my feelings - and none of this seems important when I think of the friends that I stood up there with on that beautiful day a little over a year ago.

Then I think of some people I know who either have dealt with, or currently are dealing with terrible things that I can't even fathom. I have dear friends who lost their older brother a few years after a terrible accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down. Am I sad? Please - I should stop and think about how my friend's brother would gladly have taken even a walk to take the trash out and relish every single step beneath his feet. Who doesn't take a walk like that for granted? Yet every single step is a gift, not a right. I would miss every single step to my mailbox, every move bending down to clean up after my dog - and let's face it, that's not exactly a pleasant job folks. Sad? Give me a break.

My next thoughts are of those I know who are dealing with cancer. I know someone who is fighting this fight for the second time. I know that all of her facebook posts show an incredible sense of courage, humor and optimism - and when she wrote me and told me that she wants to see her 9 year old son grow up, it stopped me cold. Am I sad? Please - I may be dealing with a situation that is actually for the best, who knows - it could even turn around, but my point is that there are people in this world who are facing things that aren't fair, pleasant and that are far more painful and downright frightening than whatever petty heartache and longing I may feel over this thing I'm struggling with.

I have another friend who lost her husband to cancer - from the time he was diagnosed, to the time he passed away was, if I'm not mistaken, seven months. She told me it was awful and it left her angry with God. How could something so horrible not leave any one of us like that? And I'm sad? Disappointed? Hurt? Please! My point here is not to lift my own thoughts up at the expense of anyone else - my point here is to lift my thoughts to all that surrounds me that I should be thankful for. Let heartache, even one as petty as this one of mine, do what it may - I'm alive, and I can feel that. I needn't question God's timing or meaning here. Maybe this was all orchestrated to show me that I can still feel for someone - because I haven't for quite some time until this recent thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be much more careful with exactly who I give my heart to if I'm going to give it away. Maybe I'm supposed to be patient in ways that I've yet to learn. So let this bug me, hell let it hurt a bit if need be - I'm alive and ever day is a gift. Do I not have a responsibility to take notice of all the wonderful people and things that surround me? Of course I do.

I have a very close friend who, during any of the times I've talked about this matter to, has said things like, "Dude, this isn't even close! - and it's not you!" - he also has this wonderful line that I absolutely love: Face the sun and smile every day! He's right. So my responsibility is to do just that and realize that each and every day, every breath, every step is indeed a gift. Here's the thing about gifts: one should always, always be grateful for gifts - always.