I just got off the phone with two credit card companies. I did a balance transfer and wanted to make sure it went down just as I intended it to. Let's face it folks, if you're going to call any customer service line for anything these days, you're going to have to put yourself in a proverbial Trojan horse just to get even a minimal task accomplished. I don't know which I hate more - the automated lines that basically slap you around with your own personal information, or actually speaking to a representative that I can count on for one, or both of the following things: a) this person will be extremely difficult to understand b) this person will not shut the f*** UP! and give me a millisecond to say something like, oh I dunno, no thank you.
I'll explain. First I call card company A, and I have to play mental hopscotch tossing out part of my card number, the last 4 digits of duh and the Latin name for my pet. Then I have to listen to a vague offering of options - not choosing just yet because the actual option for what I'm trying to accomplish may be next - it turns out that it's not, and now I need to listen again and hope I choose something that gets me close. This is a crap shoot. No matter, now I'm through the automated preliminary baloney (I hate baloney) and I'm actually speaking with a real person.
Every time I get to this point, I feel relieved at first. I said at first, and that doesn't last but a second or two. A second or two when you're on your business end of a customer service call can be agonizingly long - either when you have to listen, or talk. I say this because I've already given the last 4 digits of 2 sets of numbers that identify me. For security purposes, I've done it via keys on my phone - couple of times, and I've spoken them - couple of times. Now I'm getting somewhere, right?
Not so fast. Now what I'm actually getting, is annoyed that the person I'm speaking to is determined to sign me up for some service that will add additional charges to my account. I want to ask if I can talk to this customer service rep via SKYPE - because I want to see his supervisor standing beside him holding a loaded gun to his head to make sure he informs me about this program that will only benefit me and will do so "for what amounts to only 35 cents a day" - what I want to say, is that I'm not sure where he's talking from, but here in America, what amounts to 35 cents a day is a dime and a quarter...but I hold my tongue. I probably do that because I can't get a flippin' word in edgewise anyway and for the love of God, I should be able to - because I'm the guy who called in the first place!
I lose count of how many times the rep repeats all the benefits I would reap on a daily basis if I would only choose to sign up for the introductory offer, and if I like the program (he does everything but say I'd be retarded if I didn't like the program) then I can access the benefits any time I choose - and just to make sure I will like the program, they will send me the information in writing. That makes it better, says he, because then I have the option of reviewing the information in the comfort of my home. Indeed I do have that option - and the option of climbing up a tree to review it, maybe taking it to a Starbucks and reviewing it...but what I'm currently going through, is so annoying that I can't really see much benefit to me at all. I find the millisecond of opportunity I need to speak quickly and believe me, I take it.
It does no good, I can hear the guy's supervisor cock his weapon and if the guy gives up, he's as good as dead. Surely that must be the case because without missing a beat (meanwhile I've missed entire measures of beats) he launches into his pitch about how I'll have an entire month to evaluate the program and at the same time, take advantage of the benefits and if, at the end of that time, I decide that I don't want to participate - and by participate, he means pay money for, I can cancel - matter of fact I can cancel at any time.
Of course I can cancel at any time - I can even get my "introductory fee of only $1 for the first month" credited back to my account. Of course I'll have to call the customer service line in order to cancel - or I can write - which I'm beginning to think would yield faster results given just how much I'm being forced to listen to. Sure I can hang up, but doing so would likely give this guy a window of reasonable doubt - you know, with his supervisor standing there with a gun at the guy's head:
Supervisor: What are you waiting for? Sign him UP for it!
Customer Service Rep: But he didn't say he wanted it...before he hung up
Supervisor: Am I going to have to shoot you for losing this sale over formal semantics? You say "hung up", I say the call simply disconnected. Either way, what he didn't actually say, was no - do you see where I'm going with this - and may I remind you of the loaded-gun-pointed-at-your-head-incentive-program we have here?
That's just got to be how it works in that call center - I opted out of the program, listened to way too much double talk in my waiting for the opportunity to speak, and in the end I will still have to call back to ascertain that what I intended to do has actually taken place. Peace out.
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