Top of the morning to you. What a great day, and it's just getting started. I've had a rather slow week at work so far, and in the line of work that pays the bills - or at least gives 'em somethin' to chew on, hence keeping the wolf away from the door, that means the money hasn't been great. One of the slowest Thursdays in quite some time. Alright, enough of negative thoughts - that's more than enough attention to those - because there is still so much to be grateful/thankful for.
As I drove home last night, thinking about how my week has been, I passed through an industrial park that has men outside picketing. These are men who were forced out of their jobs. I have no idea what their jobs are, but I notice they're out there at all hours of the day and night - and in all kinds of weather. When it's cold outside, they're out there with fires burning, so obviously being out there is important to them. If that doesn't make me feel grateful for the work I have - but it does, then I can look around at any number of things that I'm lucky enough to experience as part of my day to day life. Maybe none of them are spectacular things, unless I have enough self-awareness to appreciate them.
Off the top of my head, work wasn't so bad last night. I had laughs that started the moment I got in the door. What's not to like about that? I worked with a guy who makes being at work more fun than I've ever had back there - even when we're getting our asses kicked, it's fun. I had people that made for a nice exchange of laughter the entire night.
I can share amusing dog stories with my boss's wife, I can be around people who like good food and drink, I can laugh and make others laugh. I can come home, and in the case of last night, do so early enough to stop and see one of my favorite bartenders. I can watch a movie in high definition, or better still, I can read a book, I can sit at my Mac and write - and yes, I know I've been dragging ass doing that lately, and there is food in my kitchen.
So while I've had better weeks at work in both of my jobs that I love, I have the whole weekend ahead of me, and perhaps being a bit slower than I'd like has allowed me to take time and notice more of the things that I shouldn't be taking for granted. It's a beautiful day outside, my dog is happy, I have loads of fresh fruit and vegetables to juice, food to eat, a gym to go to, and two good jobs, I'm healthy and in reasonably good shape and I know that I'm going to laugh quite a bit tonight at work.
I'm not saying that some things couldn't be better, but I am saying that more things could be worse and I'm glad that they're not. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends - many of whom are very inspiring, and when I'm at work, I work with people who are among the best in the business. Some of you may read this post and think it's completely dull and pointless. Some of you may read this and take a minute or two to realize that even on the worst of days, there is always, a lot to be thankful for. Do yourself a favor and notice at least some of that. Peace.
Sarcasm spoken here
Friday, September 20, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Later, that same day...
I'm not much for television - at least that's what I like to say. By that, I mean that I don't have cable, don't have a DVR, don't watch a lot of shows religiously. But there are things I like to watch. I did away with the cable and the DVR a few years ago. Had 'em both for a while. When I first got the DVR, a buddy told me it was going to change the way I watched television - and it did. Even with just basic cable, I found programs that I suppose were at least mildly addictive.
When people ask me if I watch certain shows, my answer is almost always no - because I work nights. Hell, when Seinfeld went on the air, I didn't see it for the first three years. I was fine with that. With the advent of DVR, it didn't matter that I work nights. For a little while, actually longer than I would've thought - or liked, DVR was great. But then I just got to the point where I realized that I don't want to sit on my ass and watch so many things.
I grew up in a time when people had favorite shows, but if you liked watching something, you watched when it came on network television, and you waited another week until the next episode. You lived your life in the gap between episodes. I can't think of specific shows and episodes I missed, but here's the thing: I lived.
I'll admit that I have some guilty pleasures in television programs. Never mind that one of these is a somewhat cheesy detective show, another is a show about a drug dealer, and then there's the one about a family - and no, I'm not giving names here - figure it out on your own. The programs themselves aren't really the issue, it's more the time they can take up if I let them, and sometimes I do.
The ability to watch any program that might appeal to me is a blessing and a curse. On netflix I can watch an entire series - and at eight bucks a month, that's kind of a blessing, especially when I think about how much more than that I paid for cable. The curse is that I can, and...well...sometimes, do, treat the series like one gigantic movie. Yeah, I said it. I can find loads of ways to justify watching two or three episodes in one sitting - and oh the time saved by eliminating the commercial breaks.
I'm master of my domain - if I want a break, all I gotta do is hit the pause button. Hell, if I wanna, I can just turn the damn thing off and come back to it later, y'know, whenever I want. All things in moderation they say, but this new way of being able to watch television comes with a hefty price if one isn't responsible with the buffet of sitting on one's ass and watching anything and everything one might want to watch.
I can blaze through an entire season really quickly - and I have, at least once, in an embarrassingly short window of time. It's a little bit like having a big bag of Halloween candy, or being at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure, you can have as much as you want, but maybe you should have less than you think you want. You're not supposed to eat all of your Halloween candy in one sitting - I don't wanna sound like anyone's mom, but it's not good for you to eat too much all at once. You gotta ration that shit out sometimes. It's also not good to watch an entire season of any given program in one sitting. Somewhere, someone is going to develop an app that will force me to watch a series that I like and go old school on its ass - one episode at a time, wait a week until you get the next one. And let me get shit done in the gaps between episodes. There's a name for those gaps...what was it? Oh yeah....LIFE! An ultimate parental control app (never mind that I'm a grown man) that limits my access to any conveniently(?) streamed television show - because the app knows that there's a life to live away from a comfortable sofa. Hell put microchips in various household locations:
1) Vacuum cleaner: Alert! Your program will not play until your vacuum cleaner has run for a minimum of 35 minutes in a minimum of three rooms in your residence!
2) Refrigerator: Alert! Your program will not play until the electronic sensors in your appliance register the following: a) Shelves properly weighted with a healthy balance of meat, dairy products, fruits and vegetables b) Zero levels on both odor and spoilage. Delays will result in loss of episodes!
3) Dusting: Alert! Your program will be available to watch when dust levels in all rooms, including, but not limited to: living room, master bedroom, guest bedroom(s) (where applicable)
any and all bathrooms, master, guest and half baths where applicable, are at a minimal. In other words, if you can write the name of the program you're watching on your furniture, using only your index finger...
4) Pets: Alert! Your dog has been standing by the front door for over the allotted time limit. Your program will be available to resume viewing when your pet has been allowed sufficient time to relieve themselves. Note that if any pet relieves themselves indoors, this will result in loss of episodes!
You get the picture...some pun intended. Yeah, I have a bit too much time on my hands on this, my first Sunday off in quite a while. I could use an app like the one I just described- y'know, give me something else to swear at/about. Later, that same day....
When people ask me if I watch certain shows, my answer is almost always no - because I work nights. Hell, when Seinfeld went on the air, I didn't see it for the first three years. I was fine with that. With the advent of DVR, it didn't matter that I work nights. For a little while, actually longer than I would've thought - or liked, DVR was great. But then I just got to the point where I realized that I don't want to sit on my ass and watch so many things.
I grew up in a time when people had favorite shows, but if you liked watching something, you watched when it came on network television, and you waited another week until the next episode. You lived your life in the gap between episodes. I can't think of specific shows and episodes I missed, but here's the thing: I lived.
I'll admit that I have some guilty pleasures in television programs. Never mind that one of these is a somewhat cheesy detective show, another is a show about a drug dealer, and then there's the one about a family - and no, I'm not giving names here - figure it out on your own. The programs themselves aren't really the issue, it's more the time they can take up if I let them, and sometimes I do.
The ability to watch any program that might appeal to me is a blessing and a curse. On netflix I can watch an entire series - and at eight bucks a month, that's kind of a blessing, especially when I think about how much more than that I paid for cable. The curse is that I can, and...well...sometimes, do, treat the series like one gigantic movie. Yeah, I said it. I can find loads of ways to justify watching two or three episodes in one sitting - and oh the time saved by eliminating the commercial breaks.
I'm master of my domain - if I want a break, all I gotta do is hit the pause button. Hell, if I wanna, I can just turn the damn thing off and come back to it later, y'know, whenever I want. All things in moderation they say, but this new way of being able to watch television comes with a hefty price if one isn't responsible with the buffet of sitting on one's ass and watching anything and everything one might want to watch.
I can blaze through an entire season really quickly - and I have, at least once, in an embarrassingly short window of time. It's a little bit like having a big bag of Halloween candy, or being at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure, you can have as much as you want, but maybe you should have less than you think you want. You're not supposed to eat all of your Halloween candy in one sitting - I don't wanna sound like anyone's mom, but it's not good for you to eat too much all at once. You gotta ration that shit out sometimes. It's also not good to watch an entire season of any given program in one sitting. Somewhere, someone is going to develop an app that will force me to watch a series that I like and go old school on its ass - one episode at a time, wait a week until you get the next one. And let me get shit done in the gaps between episodes. There's a name for those gaps...what was it? Oh yeah....LIFE! An ultimate parental control app (never mind that I'm a grown man) that limits my access to any conveniently(?) streamed television show - because the app knows that there's a life to live away from a comfortable sofa. Hell put microchips in various household locations:
1) Vacuum cleaner: Alert! Your program will not play until your vacuum cleaner has run for a minimum of 35 minutes in a minimum of three rooms in your residence!
2) Refrigerator: Alert! Your program will not play until the electronic sensors in your appliance register the following: a) Shelves properly weighted with a healthy balance of meat, dairy products, fruits and vegetables b) Zero levels on both odor and spoilage. Delays will result in loss of episodes!
3) Dusting: Alert! Your program will be available to watch when dust levels in all rooms, including, but not limited to: living room, master bedroom, guest bedroom(s) (where applicable)
any and all bathrooms, master, guest and half baths where applicable, are at a minimal. In other words, if you can write the name of the program you're watching on your furniture, using only your index finger...
4) Pets: Alert! Your dog has been standing by the front door for over the allotted time limit. Your program will be available to resume viewing when your pet has been allowed sufficient time to relieve themselves. Note that if any pet relieves themselves indoors, this will result in loss of episodes!
You get the picture...some pun intended. Yeah, I have a bit too much time on my hands on this, my first Sunday off in quite a while. I could use an app like the one I just described- y'know, give me something else to swear at/about. Later, that same day....
Monday, August 12, 2013
Music or Sports - Installment #1
I'm not much for sports - I can take a little bit of baseball now & then, the same for basketball. All the rest of 'em, you can have really. I favor a creative mindset/vibe and that leaves little room for a competitive way of looking at things. I don't usually see things as having to choose with the mindset that one is better than the other. If two things can't win simultaneously, the one I'm in the mood for is better - this time.
I dabbled in sports growing up, but the older I got, the less appeal they seemed to have. Around the time I was in high school, I got more into art and music and I thought it was all wonderful - and that none of it was better or worse. Watching any sport as a spectator took activity out of it - most of the time I couldn't get very far into a game, particularly on television, without wanting to get up and do something. It didn't make much sense to me to watch any sporting contest and claim any part of a good play or ultimately a victory. If my high school team won a game, it was them - it seemed ludicrous to say we won if I wasn't on the team.
That carried into adulthood. I'd grown up being force fed music and my biggest consolation there was that I was exposed to good music. That laid a foundation that keeps getting expanded upon to this very day. It's safe to say that music and other creative pursuits are better than sports for me. Although I like a baseball game from time to time, I don't follow it closely. Living in the greater Cleveland area, I guess I have a bit of a soft spot for the Indians, but for me, following any sports team means devoting attention to things that are completely out of my control - if my team loses, I'm disappointed. All I did was watch and hope. If they win, I'm happy - but it doesn't make my city better than that of the team that is from somewhere else. My city isn't a better place to live due to any team winning - a game, a season, a title.
Much has been said about the disappointment that Cleveland sports fans are used to. I'll admit that I was, even in my rare watching of sporting events, disappointed when the Indians lost the World Series in the late 90's, and when the Cavs were in the finals and lost, and when Lebron left - not so much because he left, but rather the way he did so.
All of this disappointment made me realize that I was giving far too much of my attention to something I had no control over whatsoever. Hit like a ton of bricks too. The hell did I need to care what Lebron decides to do with his career? He's making millions regardless of how many fans he's disappointed. Why should I despise any coach that any Cleveland team fires, and then that coach goes on to win titles in some other city? No names here, but if you follow sports, you can figure out the examples. Most of us don't have the luxury of consistently failing at our jobs and keeping them. Not only that, if we fail in certain ways and do so often enough to get a reputation, finding another job could be tough.
I couldn't name five current players in any sports league if you put a gun to my head. I could be exaggerating there, but I doubt it - seriously. In my line of work I'm practically expected to know the score, who got traded, who won and what time games start. Most of the time I know none of those things - but I've gotten very good at faking it, interest that is. There's a bit of a trick to it, but it's not a secret I'm going to share. Wouldn't bode well for me to be found out.
I have a friend who will invite me over for games, and 99.9% of the time, invites under the heading of any sporting event make me want to stay home. This particular friend is funny, because he'll often record the game so that other activities can be snuck in and we can come back to the game. If I'm going to watch a game, then I want to do that. There simply aren't enough times when I actually do enjoy a sporting event that I want to hit the pause button and come back to it.
I also don't enjoy being in a room of sports fans and being talked to about sports. I dread things like "Boy he really should have caught that ball....what the hell was he thinking there....that was a good catch...I can't believe he missed that shot" - no thank you, 99.9% of the time. I told this friend once, when he invited me up to watch golf - on his new big screen television, that I really don't like watching golf at all - and I don't. He responded by telling me that I need to experience it on a big flat screen television to really enjoy it. Here's the thing about me watching any golf, ever: It's always someone else's choice - always. Every. Single. Time. I will never choose to watch golf - if any television that I ever own is on a golf channel, it's either because someone else put it on or they asked me to and I acquiesced...or I'm not home, or someone stole my television.
If I'm at work and anyone starts talking to me about golf, notice me doing two things: a) agreeing b) instantly looking for something else to do - and I assure you, I will find it. Every. Single. Time. Same goes for football.
A friend/coworker, a guy who is heavy into sports, once chastised me for not knowing something about a game/rule/statistic - I can't even remember what his issue was, I just remember him looking at me like he thought I was some kind of an idiot, looking all angry with disbelief:
Coworker: Why don't you know???
Me: Because it's of no importance to me whatsoever.
Coworker: Seriously...Why don't you know? You should know!
Me: I disagree.
Then I thought for a second about how this guy likes classic rock - and since classic rock sometimes falls into what I like to listen to, I offered up the following:
Me: Wait a minute, something's wrong - my key won't unlock this door. I got a bad, bad feelin' - my baby don't live here no more.
Coworker: What the HELL are you talking about??
Me: Red House...Jimi Hendrix - Why don't YOU know??
There you have it. My take on sports, in a nutshell. Should the Indians ever win the World Series, I can promise a minor level of happiness, but I can also guarantee that the whole gun-to-my-head-not-knowing-five-current-players-in-any-professional-sports-league will probably still be true. In the next installment of Music or Sports, I'll examine some possible similarities. If you're a sports fan, you'll likely want to read something other than this blog, but if you're a music fan...I just might get you.
I dabbled in sports growing up, but the older I got, the less appeal they seemed to have. Around the time I was in high school, I got more into art and music and I thought it was all wonderful - and that none of it was better or worse. Watching any sport as a spectator took activity out of it - most of the time I couldn't get very far into a game, particularly on television, without wanting to get up and do something. It didn't make much sense to me to watch any sporting contest and claim any part of a good play or ultimately a victory. If my high school team won a game, it was them - it seemed ludicrous to say we won if I wasn't on the team.
That carried into adulthood. I'd grown up being force fed music and my biggest consolation there was that I was exposed to good music. That laid a foundation that keeps getting expanded upon to this very day. It's safe to say that music and other creative pursuits are better than sports for me. Although I like a baseball game from time to time, I don't follow it closely. Living in the greater Cleveland area, I guess I have a bit of a soft spot for the Indians, but for me, following any sports team means devoting attention to things that are completely out of my control - if my team loses, I'm disappointed. All I did was watch and hope. If they win, I'm happy - but it doesn't make my city better than that of the team that is from somewhere else. My city isn't a better place to live due to any team winning - a game, a season, a title.
Much has been said about the disappointment that Cleveland sports fans are used to. I'll admit that I was, even in my rare watching of sporting events, disappointed when the Indians lost the World Series in the late 90's, and when the Cavs were in the finals and lost, and when Lebron left - not so much because he left, but rather the way he did so.
All of this disappointment made me realize that I was giving far too much of my attention to something I had no control over whatsoever. Hit like a ton of bricks too. The hell did I need to care what Lebron decides to do with his career? He's making millions regardless of how many fans he's disappointed. Why should I despise any coach that any Cleveland team fires, and then that coach goes on to win titles in some other city? No names here, but if you follow sports, you can figure out the examples. Most of us don't have the luxury of consistently failing at our jobs and keeping them. Not only that, if we fail in certain ways and do so often enough to get a reputation, finding another job could be tough.
I couldn't name five current players in any sports league if you put a gun to my head. I could be exaggerating there, but I doubt it - seriously. In my line of work I'm practically expected to know the score, who got traded, who won and what time games start. Most of the time I know none of those things - but I've gotten very good at faking it, interest that is. There's a bit of a trick to it, but it's not a secret I'm going to share. Wouldn't bode well for me to be found out.
I have a friend who will invite me over for games, and 99.9% of the time, invites under the heading of any sporting event make me want to stay home. This particular friend is funny, because he'll often record the game so that other activities can be snuck in and we can come back to the game. If I'm going to watch a game, then I want to do that. There simply aren't enough times when I actually do enjoy a sporting event that I want to hit the pause button and come back to it.
I also don't enjoy being in a room of sports fans and being talked to about sports. I dread things like "Boy he really should have caught that ball....what the hell was he thinking there....that was a good catch...I can't believe he missed that shot" - no thank you, 99.9% of the time. I told this friend once, when he invited me up to watch golf - on his new big screen television, that I really don't like watching golf at all - and I don't. He responded by telling me that I need to experience it on a big flat screen television to really enjoy it. Here's the thing about me watching any golf, ever: It's always someone else's choice - always. Every. Single. Time. I will never choose to watch golf - if any television that I ever own is on a golf channel, it's either because someone else put it on or they asked me to and I acquiesced...or I'm not home, or someone stole my television.
If I'm at work and anyone starts talking to me about golf, notice me doing two things: a) agreeing b) instantly looking for something else to do - and I assure you, I will find it. Every. Single. Time. Same goes for football.
A friend/coworker, a guy who is heavy into sports, once chastised me for not knowing something about a game/rule/statistic - I can't even remember what his issue was, I just remember him looking at me like he thought I was some kind of an idiot, looking all angry with disbelief:
Coworker: Why don't you know???
Me: Because it's of no importance to me whatsoever.
Coworker: Seriously...Why don't you know? You should know!
Me: I disagree.
Then I thought for a second about how this guy likes classic rock - and since classic rock sometimes falls into what I like to listen to, I offered up the following:
Me: Wait a minute, something's wrong - my key won't unlock this door. I got a bad, bad feelin' - my baby don't live here no more.
Coworker: What the HELL are you talking about??
Me: Red House...Jimi Hendrix - Why don't YOU know??
There you have it. My take on sports, in a nutshell. Should the Indians ever win the World Series, I can promise a minor level of happiness, but I can also guarantee that the whole gun-to-my-head-not-knowing-five-current-players-in-any-professional-sports-league will probably still be true. In the next installment of Music or Sports, I'll examine some possible similarities. If you're a sports fan, you'll likely want to read something other than this blog, but if you're a music fan...I just might get you.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Acme delivers
I'm not a big t.v. person, but there are a few shows I like to watch. I ditched cable years ago and I think Netflix is a much better way to go - although the downside to technology like this is that you can take an entire season and blast through it like it's one big movie. I wish I could say that I haven't caved to the temptation of doing that, but I have a time or two - like I recently did with season 5 of Breaking Bad. I vowed that I would take my time with it - I even posted my intentions as a status update on the blue and white, so you know I was serious. Nope. An entire season in less than 24 hours.
I had three episodes left when my brother from another mother posted a spoiler. Seems he was about an episode ahead of me. Crap. Now I had to press on, chores be damned, and it was my day off. You can justify/rationalize damn near anything if you really want to, you know, make yourself feel better about the less responsible rearranging of priorities. Yup, that's what I did.
As I neared the end of season 5, I started to notice how Walt, Jesse, and Mike were more like a Warner Brothers cartoon at every turn. Every gadget that these guys whipped out, at the exact moment it was needed - was used expertly. Where did they get this shit? I'll tell you where - and mind you, there's only one company to go to when you need out of the ordinary things and you need them fast - ACME products.
For those of you who haven't heard of ACME products, where have you been? They've been around like forever, and nobody comes close to delivering such a wide variety of specialty products as ACME. Unparalleled delivery and customer service. Ever see Wile E. Coyote breaking balls on his ACME rep?
Wile E. Coyote: Hey Bill, Wile E. Coyote...listen, I bought a pair of rocket powered roller skates last week and I had a bit of a problem...
Bill, ACME customer service representative: Ok, gimme a second to pull up your account...got it, what's the problem?
Wile E. : The problem is, I fire these things up and they go from zero to 500 MPH in like, half a second - by the time I pass the damn Roadrunner, I'm into the side of the mountain! If I weren't a cartoon character, I'd be dead - but trust me, I was plenty damned sore for a few seconds. And the dehydrated boulders you sold me on the same order...
Bill: The instruction manual clearly states NOT to hold the boulder in your hand while re-hydrating it - they may look unimposing and tiny in their dehydrated state, but all it takes is a drop of moisture from an eyedropper and you've suddenly got up to 3 tons of solid rock that is very eager to obey the laws of gravity...
Wile E. : You're telling ME???
Never happened, because Wile E. Coyote manned up and admitted that he didn't read instruction manuals thoroughly - he's a dude, so like duh. He knew that was his own fault and he knew there wasn't another company around that he could turn to for his specialty needs that offered same episode shipping. And the guys at ACME know how to keep a valued customer coming back. Before there was Amazon dot com ,ACME wrote the flippin' book on excellence in mail order service. Every pleasant experience you've ever had buying something online is because of ACME. Wrap your head around that one.
As I sat on my couch watching Walt, Jesse, Mike, and Todd set about robbing a train of some chemicals, I realized just how large the customer base for ACME products had grown to become the go to for anything and everything that one could need to do anything. Here were these guys, probably on the exact spot where Wile E. Coyote fired up his rocket powered skates, a few minutes away from robbing a train - but first, they needed to install two underground storage tanks, one to hold the chemicals they were going to steal from the train, the other to hold the water they were going to replace in the train car in order for the car to weigh the same amount when it arrived at its destination. Yeah, they thought this shit through and they thought of everything they needed to pull this heist off - and they did so with at least a little help of a knowledgeable sales rep at ACME. Walter white has a science background, but there is just tons of shit that even he may not think of. Don't screw around with it, call someone who knows. Hello, ACME.
For any of you skeptics out there, just think about how expertly three guys have the exact diameter hoses they need to open the valve caps on a railroad tank car that holds hazardous chemicals. Notice how they have calculated the exact hose length from the newly installed underground storage tanks up to the valve caps on the top and bottom of the train car, and how carefully the cars on the train were counted so as to insure the truck that stopped on the tracks was perfectly orchestrated to make the chemical car stop the exact hose lengths away. Doubt me still? Riddle me this: Where do you suppose they got the exact size channel locks and ratchet bolt thingy to remove the caps? ACME, duh. Hoses, compressors, storage tanks, a backhoe to bury the tanks - which had to be done in advance mind you, truck to drive the storage tanks to the site, a few thousand gallons of water. All of these things are items that you need to hit up one place, and one place only - ACME. Training manuals too, y'know, how-to books. Forget practice runs here, you need to be able to use this shit like it's your job on the very first time out of the box.
Remember the name should you find yourself in need of things like rocket powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, disintegrating pistols, do-it-yourself-tornado-kits, and of course, anvils. You can always find a better price on items like these - but you gotta take into account shipping and product availability when you need something quick. Acme never fails - ever. Acme delivers.
I had three episodes left when my brother from another mother posted a spoiler. Seems he was about an episode ahead of me. Crap. Now I had to press on, chores be damned, and it was my day off. You can justify/rationalize damn near anything if you really want to, you know, make yourself feel better about the less responsible rearranging of priorities. Yup, that's what I did.
As I neared the end of season 5, I started to notice how Walt, Jesse, and Mike were more like a Warner Brothers cartoon at every turn. Every gadget that these guys whipped out, at the exact moment it was needed - was used expertly. Where did they get this shit? I'll tell you where - and mind you, there's only one company to go to when you need out of the ordinary things and you need them fast - ACME products.
For those of you who haven't heard of ACME products, where have you been? They've been around like forever, and nobody comes close to delivering such a wide variety of specialty products as ACME. Unparalleled delivery and customer service. Ever see Wile E. Coyote breaking balls on his ACME rep?
Wile E. Coyote: Hey Bill, Wile E. Coyote...listen, I bought a pair of rocket powered roller skates last week and I had a bit of a problem...
Bill, ACME customer service representative: Ok, gimme a second to pull up your account...got it, what's the problem?
Wile E. : The problem is, I fire these things up and they go from zero to 500 MPH in like, half a second - by the time I pass the damn Roadrunner, I'm into the side of the mountain! If I weren't a cartoon character, I'd be dead - but trust me, I was plenty damned sore for a few seconds. And the dehydrated boulders you sold me on the same order...
Bill: The instruction manual clearly states NOT to hold the boulder in your hand while re-hydrating it - they may look unimposing and tiny in their dehydrated state, but all it takes is a drop of moisture from an eyedropper and you've suddenly got up to 3 tons of solid rock that is very eager to obey the laws of gravity...
Wile E. : You're telling ME???
Never happened, because Wile E. Coyote manned up and admitted that he didn't read instruction manuals thoroughly - he's a dude, so like duh. He knew that was his own fault and he knew there wasn't another company around that he could turn to for his specialty needs that offered same episode shipping. And the guys at ACME know how to keep a valued customer coming back. Before there was Amazon dot com ,ACME wrote the flippin' book on excellence in mail order service. Every pleasant experience you've ever had buying something online is because of ACME. Wrap your head around that one.
As I sat on my couch watching Walt, Jesse, Mike, and Todd set about robbing a train of some chemicals, I realized just how large the customer base for ACME products had grown to become the go to for anything and everything that one could need to do anything. Here were these guys, probably on the exact spot where Wile E. Coyote fired up his rocket powered skates, a few minutes away from robbing a train - but first, they needed to install two underground storage tanks, one to hold the chemicals they were going to steal from the train, the other to hold the water they were going to replace in the train car in order for the car to weigh the same amount when it arrived at its destination. Yeah, they thought this shit through and they thought of everything they needed to pull this heist off - and they did so with at least a little help of a knowledgeable sales rep at ACME. Walter white has a science background, but there is just tons of shit that even he may not think of. Don't screw around with it, call someone who knows. Hello, ACME.
For any of you skeptics out there, just think about how expertly three guys have the exact diameter hoses they need to open the valve caps on a railroad tank car that holds hazardous chemicals. Notice how they have calculated the exact hose length from the newly installed underground storage tanks up to the valve caps on the top and bottom of the train car, and how carefully the cars on the train were counted so as to insure the truck that stopped on the tracks was perfectly orchestrated to make the chemical car stop the exact hose lengths away. Doubt me still? Riddle me this: Where do you suppose they got the exact size channel locks and ratchet bolt thingy to remove the caps? ACME, duh. Hoses, compressors, storage tanks, a backhoe to bury the tanks - which had to be done in advance mind you, truck to drive the storage tanks to the site, a few thousand gallons of water. All of these things are items that you need to hit up one place, and one place only - ACME. Training manuals too, y'know, how-to books. Forget practice runs here, you need to be able to use this shit like it's your job on the very first time out of the box.
Remember the name should you find yourself in need of things like rocket powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, disintegrating pistols, do-it-yourself-tornado-kits, and of course, anvils. You can always find a better price on items like these - but you gotta take into account shipping and product availability when you need something quick. Acme never fails - ever. Acme delivers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)