Later, that same day...

I'm not much for television - at least that's what I like to say. By that, I mean that I don't have cable, don't have a DVR, don't watch a lot of shows religiously. But there are things I like to watch. I did away with the cable and the DVR a few years ago. Had 'em both for a while. When I first got the DVR, a buddy told me it was going to change the way I watched television - and it did. Even with just basic cable, I found programs that I suppose were at least mildly addictive.

When people ask me if I watch certain shows, my answer is almost always no - because I work nights. Hell, when Seinfeld went on the air, I didn't see it for the first three years. I was fine with that. With the advent of DVR, it didn't matter that I work nights. For a little while, actually longer than I would've thought - or liked, DVR was great. But then I just got to the point where I realized that I don't want to sit on my ass and watch so many things.

I grew up in a time when people had favorite shows, but if you liked watching something, you watched when it came on network television, and you waited another week until the next episode. You lived your life in the gap between episodes. I can't think of specific shows and episodes I missed, but here's the thing: I lived.

I'll admit that I have some guilty pleasures in television programs. Never mind that one of these is a somewhat cheesy detective show, another is a show about a drug dealer, and then there's the one about a family - and no, I'm not giving names here - figure it out on your own. The programs themselves aren't really the issue, it's more the time they can take up if I let them, and sometimes I do.

The ability to watch any program that might appeal to me is a blessing and a curse. On netflix I can watch an entire series  - and at eight bucks a month, that's kind of a blessing, especially when I think about how much more than that I paid for cable. The curse is that I can, and...well...sometimes, do, treat the series like one gigantic movie. Yeah, I said it. I can find loads of ways to justify watching two or three episodes in one sitting - and oh the time saved by eliminating the commercial breaks.

I'm master of my domain - if I want a break, all I gotta do is hit the pause button. Hell, if I wanna, I can just turn the damn thing off and come back to it later, y'know, whenever I want. All things in moderation they say, but this new way of being able to watch television comes with a hefty price if one isn't responsible with the buffet of sitting on one's ass and watching anything and everything one might want to watch.

I can blaze through an entire season really quickly - and I have, at least once, in an embarrassingly short window of time. It's a little bit like having a big bag of Halloween candy, or being at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure, you can have as much as you want, but maybe you should have less than you think you want. You're not supposed to eat all of your Halloween candy in one sitting - I don't wanna sound like anyone's mom, but it's not good for you to eat too much all at once. You gotta ration that shit out sometimes. It's also not good to watch an entire season of any given program in one sitting. Somewhere, someone is going to develop an app that will force me to watch a series that I like and go old school on its ass - one episode at a time, wait a week until you get the next one. And let me get shit done in the gaps between episodes. There's a name for those gaps...what was it? Oh yeah....LIFE! An ultimate parental control app (never mind that I'm a grown man) that limits my access to any conveniently(?) streamed television show - because the app knows that there's a life to live away from a comfortable sofa. Hell put microchips in various household locations:

1) Vacuum cleaner:  Alert! Your program will not play until your vacuum cleaner has run for a minimum of 35 minutes in a minimum of three rooms in your residence!
2) Refrigerator: Alert! Your program will not play until the electronic sensors in your appliance register the following: a) Shelves properly weighted with a healthy balance of meat, dairy products, fruits and vegetables b) Zero levels on both odor and spoilage. Delays will result in loss of episodes!
3) Dusting: Alert! Your program will be available to watch when dust levels in all rooms, including, but not limited to: living room, master bedroom, guest bedroom(s) (where applicable)
any and all bathrooms, master, guest and half baths where applicable, are at a minimal. In other words, if you can write the name of the program you're watching on your furniture, using only your index finger...
4) Pets: Alert! Your dog has been standing by the front door for over the allotted time limit. Your program will be available to resume viewing when your pet has been allowed sufficient time to relieve themselves. Note that if any pet relieves themselves indoors, this will result in loss of episodes!

You get the picture...some pun intended. Yeah, I have a bit too much time on my hands on this, my first Sunday off in quite a while. I could use an app like the one I just described- y'know, give me something else to swear at/about. Later, that same day....