National Donut Day

National Donut Day. Seriously? As one friend said, we can do better. Oh I've eaten me some donuts, make no mistake about it people, some serious donuts - and I've provided quite a few donuts to my coworkers over the years. You could even say I loved donuts, but I've never given a thought to National Donut Day. Just how national is this "holiday"? Will my mail still come? I mean, I am expecting my new pair of Keens from Zappos, and for the love of God, I've got to get to the bank - which damn well better not be closed for National Donut Day - because so help me God, I will write to my congressman.

No worries I'm sure. A mild Google search - because there's only so much time I actually want to spend looking into something as ridiculous as National Donut Day, comes up with this "holiday" originating in 1938...started by the Salvation Army. Really. Imagine the sarcastic tone in my voice as I say that I knew they were good for something. Really? National Donut Day? That and about a month of having people man posts while ringing a bell outside of grocery stores is what you're proud of? Why not have those bells ringing every day of the year and drop the whole National Donut Day thing altogether? Trust me, donuts will survive.

Look, I'm not saying that I will never eat another donut again - because I might. I can guarantee you that donuts will never be the regular habit for me that they once were, and I can tell you that I find some of these national food days more than a little silly. For those of you with your calendars marked in anticipation, there are three more national food days in the month of June - according to Wikipedia, which, for the sake of this meaningless post, I shall take as gospel. Those food days are:

June 16th - National Vinegar Day - *yawn*
June 17th - Eat Your Vegetables Day - This was every night at dinner at my mother's and grandmother's table, and when I think of the hours I spent in protest....
June 25th - National Catfish Day - Originating in 1987, and by Presidential Proclamation no less. Really, well, I mean according to Wikipedia, which again, gospel.

Here's a heads up: July 3rd - Eat Beans Day. No origin in the gospel on this one, but I think it's safe to say that this one may well coincide with the following national days (at least it should):

National Open Windows After Dinner Day
Hotbox Your Friend Day
Dutch Oven Day
National Light a Fart Day

For those of you who are a bit slower on the take today, or perhaps not yet one cup in, those are bean references...y'know, beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you....

National Donut Day. Really.

My bartender says - Part 3 - Doubles, the anti-skosh

In the last installment of My bartender says..., I wrote about the skosh - an inexact, highly dignified and completely sensible measurement for the consumption of alcohol. Some of you reading may recall how Auto-correct was the uninvited party guest who kept interrupting me as I wrote, insisting that I meant slosh, instead of skosh. Since Auto-correct knows very little about me, I suppose it went with the assumption that since I have Irish blood and I am a bartender, I had to mean slosh. Small wonder why I didn't even tell Auto-correct about this party on the page. This party's theme is the Anti-skosh, The Double.

Complete opposite of all things dignified, responsible and sensible drinking, that's a Double. If Auto-correct were here, it would be jumping up and down pointing a finger at me saying I knew it! I knew you meant sloshing! Chill the F' out and shut the F' up, I meant no such thing.

 A double in baseball could be good, even great when runners advance - or score, assuming of course, it's your team. Then again, it could all be for naught. Either way, someone could be happy, or disappointed. Not the end of the world. A double cheeseburger is great - perhaps a bit excessive, you might wish you hadn't, but also not the end of the world. A double espresso? Wake the F' UP right? If that's what you need to wake up and get the job done, have at it. Doubles in tennis? Sure, why not?

Doubles at the bar? Red flag. Really? You're asking me for two drinks before I've even poured you one? There's really nothing dignified, responsible or sensible about ordering a double when it comes to alcohol. It sends a message: Someone is in a big hurry to get there. More like a big slurry. Nothing gets me more uptight behind the bar than someone ordering a double. It kind of reminds me of the joke: Q: What are a hillbilly's last words? A: Watch this!

I'll watch you like you're shoplifting. Doubles are just a bad idea - it's making a statement. It's like you're on a boat with a bunch of friends and everyone is jumping overboard for a swim, but there's one person who decides to jump overboard with the anchor around their waist - bad idea right? It's cool, I'm a strong swimmer. I bet you're not. The swimming isn't such a bad idea, the anchor is. Doubles are like anchors, dig? Doubles are sloshing, and we're not about to lower ourselves to such undignified, irresponsible and non-sensible drinking. A number of analogies come to mind:

Drinks are a bit like stairs - it's usually better to take 'em one at a time. Less mindful on the staircase? Well, you just might stumble - could be a bad thing, maybe even a very bad thing. Gotta watch yourself on those stairs, that's all I'm saying, be careful on those stairs.

Being a bartender is kinda like being a lifeguard. The lifeguard's vantage point is better sitting up high in that chair - they can watch swimmers better, and that's their job, watching swimmers and making sure nobody gets in over their head. If anyone gets in too deep, pull 'em out - for their own safety. You can't have people going under. A bartender's vantage point, figuratively speaking, is better sitting up high in a chair - and that chair's name is sobriety. Within this analogy, a skosh would be sitting on the edge of the pool with one's feet in the water, relaxing and reading a magazine or talking with others. A double is the cannonball that some bonehead does and soaks the magazine or spoils the conversation. Might be funny and harmless once, but after that? Doesn't take a proctologist to know who the a-hole is. Don't be the cannonball dude, don't be the cannonball.

 As a lifeguard on Booze Beach, it's a fact that a lot of people think they're much better swimmers than they actually are at any given point. No one seems to take it well when you're basically telling them they can't swim any more. It's best to be as respectful and diplomatic as possible in this situation - but it's not an easy thing to do, because now you're like a parent trying to pacify a child that isn't getting what they want.  All my friends here are swimming too, so why do I have to get out? Because, your friends aren't in over their heads. I'm not in over my head. Yes you are.  When can I go back in the water? I dunno, not today. Personally speaking, I never want to be the guy who says, You - outta the pool, but there are times when I have to. Don't be the cannonball dude. I do love me some metaphors.

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Now is not the best time

I love my mother's sense of humor - and I love messing with her in dry, sarcastic and smartass ways. She's always a pretty good sport about it and I like to think that she gets a kick out of it too...most of the time. One of the things I think is funny about my mom - and mind you that at 73, she's still one of the hippest people you can talk to, is how she'll take some rather inopportune moments to have serious conversations.

And so it was yesterday, when I called to check in on my retired parents and other various family members that my mom is in the loop for info on. As I was wrapping up our phone conversation - or so I thought, my mom started the following in an oh-by-way:

Mom: Oh, I meant to tell you that we've redone our wills so....

Now is where I take the opportunity to run with my long running joke about my older sister being the highly favored one in the family, even well into our adult years...

Me: Why are you telling ME this - it's not as if I don't know that it's all going to be left to Lynne anyway, the rest of us will just take whatever Lynne doesn't get...

Mom, trying not to laugh even the slightest - yet failing: Oh baloney, now LISTEN (tone getting serious) I have your sister Kerrin (as if I'd forgotten who Kerrin, my younger sister is...or where she stands in the family tree) as having power of attorney and you as a back up (story of my life, middle child, even in adult years) so if anything happens and Kerrin can't be reached...

Me: Listen, I'm driving to work, but I feel like you're trying to tell me something - maybe holding back a bit...

Mom, again trying not to laugh: No...stop for a minute and just listen...I don't want any extraordinary measures taken to prolong things if something happens...

Me: Ok, once again I'll ask you if you have something to tell me - some bad news perhaps?

Mom, still trying not to laugh and desperately trying to get some important information to her son, though it appears from the tone of her trying not to laugh and deliver said information, that she realizes she may have timed this conversation poorly - but there's no going back: NO...now just listen, if for whatever reason they can't find Kerrin, you'll have to make decisions and I don't want anything prolonged - no life support if...

Me, unable to resist being a smartass: Ok, ok...you know I work a lot, but I promise you, I'll make arrangements to leave and pull a plug if that's what you want - I gotta say that there might be a better time to have this kind of conversation - I mean, I'm trying to merge onto 271 in highway speed traffic, for the LOVE OF GOD...

Mom, caving and laughing through her reply: Alright, I'm gonna hang up and let you merge...

Me: Thanks, love you...talk to ya!

For those of you who know me and may have ever wondered where I get my dry sense of humor from, some of it comes from my mom, the rest of it is cultivated - and daily. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers!

My bartender says...part two, a skosh

Once upon a time, as the evening started to wind down at the bar, a term was coined/used by my boss - and we ran with it. The term is skosh, and it means...well, here:

When you apply this term, skosh, to your drinking status at any given bar, it sounds dignified, responsible. It is dignified and responsible. Dignified and responsible keeps the car on the road and implies that no one shall curse the bartender's name in the morning, let alone that of a given spirit. None of that, thank you very much - would I like more? Yes, but just a skosh. There's nothing unreasonable or irresponsible about a skosh - nor could there be. Why? Because it's not an exact measurement - it's a little bit, never meant to add up to much.

I remember an episode of Happy Days, in which Richie Cunningham got drunk for the first time drinking beer "out of little teeny glasses":

Richie: We drank beer out of little teeny glasses.

Mr. C - sitting on the edge of his son's bed & asking his son a question: How many "teeny glasses" did you drink son?
Richie, in a drunken/sleepy slur: Seventy-two

No one has seventy two skoshes in one night. While there are no hard fast rules for exactly how much a skosh actually is and just how many one is allowed to have, skosh implies moderation, and numbers that require more than one hand to count 'em on, don't qualify as moderation.   So when we skosh, we're being mindful, responsible - sensible even.

It's more than a little amusing and ironic that auto-correct wants to replace the word skosh, with the word slosh. Biotch, please! There's nothing dignified, responsible or sensible about sloshing. Hard core partiers take heart, throw caution to the wind and slosh all you want - but not here, because here we're skoshing and we're not about to lower ourselves to sloshing.

If you're skoshing at a bar, you're in complete control. You can use words like Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Cabernet Sauvignon - best of all, if you see some friends come in, you can do this:

                                                                 
If one is sloshing at the bar, the word "another" often gets compressed into a one syllable word, common, every day wine names sound more like this:

Slosher: ...hic...burp..I'll 'ave anu'er...Chardon-hic....Chardo...burp...WINE!!

When someone is sloshing, as opposed to skoshing, they are more likely to do this:

Take note, auto-correct - I do know the difference. I wasn't even going to bring up sloshing, until you kept insisting that's what I meant. For the record, Gumby is actually a new toy for my dog, Bentley - but he wants nothing to do with him, and not using him for something would mean six bucks down the drain - but I digress. Skoshing is for the dignified and responsible/sensible. Doesn't happen in college bars or shot-and-a-beer places people:

Rowdy College Girl/Guy: Guys!! - Let's all do a SKOSH!! - I'll buy!!/ You wanna do a skosh for your birthday?/SKOSH! SKOSH! SKOSH!/ C'mon, let's do a birthday skosh/Bet I can skosh you under the table...etc, etc.

Nope. Doesn't happen. Never will. That's because a skosh is a dignified, though inexact, yet responsible and quite sensible measurement using a skosh caliper. (See figure 1a. below)

                                                                   Figure 1a.
                                                         Left hand Skosh Caliper

See? That is a skosh. On one hand, it could be the perfect amount, yet it could very well not be enough - or it could be way too much. I'll let you know. I just wanna wet my whistle, so just a skosh will do - no, I don't want another drink - Jeezus, then I might not even be able to whistle - maybe not drive either, and chances are I'll wanna do one or the other soon. Put your wallet away people - skoshes are given, not purchased. A good skosh does not go to one's head. One can take or leave a skosh. If you can't say it, you can't have one Here's to sensible skoshing!