In the last installment of My bartender says..., I wrote about the skosh - an inexact, highly dignified and completely sensible measurement for the consumption of alcohol. Some of you reading may recall how Auto-correct was the uninvited party guest who kept interrupting me as I wrote, insisting that I meant slosh, instead of skosh. Since Auto-correct knows very little about me, I suppose it went with the assumption that since I have Irish blood and I am a bartender, I had to mean slosh. Small wonder why I didn't even tell Auto-correct about this party on the page. This party's theme is the Anti-skosh, The Double.
Complete opposite of all things dignified, responsible and sensible drinking, that's a Double. If Auto-correct were here, it would be jumping up and down pointing a finger at me saying I knew it! I knew you meant sloshing! Chill the F' out and shut the F' up, I meant no such thing.
A double in baseball could be good, even great when runners advance - or score, assuming of course, it's your team. Then again, it could all be for naught. Either way, someone could be happy, or disappointed. Not the end of the world. A double cheeseburger is great - perhaps a bit excessive, you might wish you hadn't, but also not the end of the world. A double espresso? Wake the F' UP right? If that's what you need to wake up and get the job done, have at it. Doubles in tennis? Sure, why not?
Doubles at the bar? Red flag. Really? You're asking me for two drinks before I've even poured you one? There's really nothing dignified, responsible or sensible about ordering a double when it comes to alcohol. It sends a message: Someone is in a big hurry to get there. More like a big slurry. Nothing gets me more uptight behind the bar than someone ordering a double. It kind of reminds me of the joke: Q: What are a hillbilly's last words? A: Watch this!
I'll watch you like you're shoplifting. Doubles are just a bad idea - it's making a statement. It's like you're on a boat with a bunch of friends and everyone is jumping overboard for a swim, but there's one person who decides to jump overboard with the anchor around their waist - bad idea right? It's cool, I'm a strong swimmer. I bet you're not. The swimming isn't such a bad idea, the anchor is. Doubles are like anchors, dig? Doubles are sloshing, and we're not about to lower ourselves to such undignified, irresponsible and non-sensible drinking. A number of analogies come to mind:
Drinks are a bit like stairs - it's usually better to take 'em one at a time. Less mindful on the staircase? Well, you just might stumble - could be a bad thing, maybe even a very bad thing. Gotta watch yourself on those stairs, that's all I'm saying, be careful on those stairs.
Being a bartender is kinda like being a lifeguard. The lifeguard's vantage point is better sitting up high in that chair - they can watch swimmers better, and that's their job, watching swimmers and making sure nobody gets in over their head. If anyone gets in too deep, pull 'em out - for their own safety. You can't have people going under. A bartender's vantage point, figuratively speaking, is better sitting up high in a chair - and that chair's name is sobriety. Within this analogy, a skosh would be sitting on the edge of the pool with one's feet in the water, relaxing and reading a magazine or talking with others. A double is the cannonball that some bonehead does and soaks the magazine or spoils the conversation. Might be funny and harmless once, but after that? Doesn't take a proctologist to know who the a-hole is. Don't be the cannonball dude, don't be the cannonball.
As a lifeguard on Booze Beach, it's a fact that a lot of people think they're much better swimmers than they actually are at any given point. No one seems to take it well when you're basically telling them they can't swim any more. It's best to be as respectful and diplomatic as possible in this situation - but it's not an easy thing to do, because now you're like a parent trying to pacify a child that isn't getting what they want. All my friends here are swimming too, so why do I have to get out? Because, your friends aren't in over their heads. I'm not in over my head. Yes you are. When can I go back in the water? I dunno, not today. Personally speaking, I never want to be the guy who says, You - outta the pool, but there are times when I have to. Don't be the cannonball dude. I do love me some metaphors.
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