Some things stick with me more than others in terms of being highly amusing. I'm not gonna lie about it, I laugh at behavior, and from all groups of people. I'm also perfectly willing to allow others to have a laugh at my expense - if my behavior warrants that, fine. Have your day with it. Since I'm not even a cup in on this beautiful morning, I might be a bit too foggy to give you an example of some laughable behavior out of me at the moment - so I'll share an event that provided at least a minor catch phrase for me...and quite a few friends and coworkers.
I should start by saying that I get some pretty serious mileage out of material sometimes, particularly when it comes to real life experiences that I find amusing, so this one is a few years old. Ever hear how an elephant never forgets? Neither do I with some things.
So I'm in an airport, Atlanta, to be specific, and I'm stuck in a delay/layover that is more than a little annoying for numerous reasons. The delay keeps getting extended, I'm hungry and nothing is close to my departure gate, at least enough for my liking. For me, being stuck in an airport is kind of surreal - it's not one of the unpleasant experiences in life that really bugs me, I just deal with it. Frustrating as it may be, so much of it is out of my control that I just don't let it get to me.
In the Atlanta airport, settling on airport food - and it doesn't matter where you eat in an airport folks, it's not going to rank high on the culinary experience meter - ever. In some cases, the employees at these kind of restaurants are not exactly top performers. It's all too apparent that it's just a j-o-b and a j-o-b is workin' for the man, and if the man has 'em by the balls (yup, I said it), they tend to believe they have those of us who patronize this kind of establishment in an even tighter ball grip.
Where else are you gonna eat in your predicament? Look around fool, lines galore in every direction, and if there isn't a line, you might want to consider that there could be a very good reason for that. People don't stick around airports to eat, they get the hell outta there unless there's more flying to do. Duh. There could be a five star restaurant when I land - don't give a shit, I'm outta there the minute I get my luggage - but Wolfgang Puck has a new place - right between our arrival gate and baggage claim! Fuck that, like I'm gonna sit in an airport restaurant by choice. I don't care if I've got a coupon for a free Wagyu steak and bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild, I'm gone. Lower your expectations - you gotta punch your weight.
So I'm standing in a line, waiting my turn at some God-forsaken fast food joint. Things like this never end well. Think fast food and airport - you can't win here folks, no matter how hungry you think you are. On top of this, you're about to deal with an employee who flat out doesn't give a rat's ass if your experience is a pleasant one or not. You're on your way out, that's just the way it is. In this case, that means that the woman that I'm going to place an order with is taking liberties, which in this case, means she's on her cell phone - swear, right there at the register, while she's waiting on customers.
I watch this woman taking orders from the people in front of me, barely giving her attention to her customers, her job, the fact that she's even at work and is supposed to be interacting with people. Evidently, she figured that since most of the menu items are ordered in combos, she really didn't have to pay attention - and by pay attention, I mean put down her flippin' cell phone. I suppose jobs of this nature don't come with many perks - unless one watches for them in the way of things you can get away with. So if one can get away with talking on a cell phone while at work...
The name on this woman's name tag, was Kellie. Kellie wasn't actually saying much, she was listening - to a friend, I presume - whose name was Shareese. Shareese seemed to be doing most of the talking, and loud enough that you could hear her voice coming out of Kellie's phone.
Kellie was doing a pretty good job of multitasking, at least as far as the following: a) Listening to Shareese while she was taking orders from customers. b) holding her cell phone w/one hand, while punching in orders, taking money and handing change to customers. This was the extent of Kellie's multitasking. It was when a customer asked for anything outside of, in addition to or instead of say a number one combo, that resulted in the following:
1) Kellie looking very annoyed
2) Kellie putting Shareese on hold: "Hold on Shareese."
3) Kellie looking even more annoyed
4) Kellie asking the customer to repeat their order
5) Kellie - "Hold on Shareese...hold on"
6) Repeat #'s 1-5
Um, yeah. I watched 4 people in front of me - all of them rude beyond belief for not getting the simple combo meals that would allow Kellie to continue her conversation with Shareese. I stayed for a few reasons - none of them had anything to do with the quality of the food I was going to get, nor an acceptable level of customer service. Captive audience member. Lowered both my standards and my expectations. I stayed because I didn't want to venture any further away from my gate to catch my flight. I stayed because I was flippin' hungry. I stayed because what I was watching was getting better by the minute, but I wasn't counting on that one.
I decide what I want from the very limited menu as I'm one away from getting to place my order. I know that I need to be concise and not distract Kellie her from her telephone conversation with Shareese - because that would be rude. It's never a good idea to piss off the people who are going to hand you your food - even if you're not in an airport. Duh.
It's pointless to look at a menu in a place like this and give any thought to how one might omit something and by doing so, make healthier eating possible - but I can't help myself. As my turn approaches, I've got a perfect solution - skip the fries, get a grilled chicken sandwich and salad instead...and water to drink. Since I can't be interrupting Kellie and Shareese, I rehearse my delivery for my order in my mind, the whole time thinking that I'm making it as easy for Kellie as I possibly can. It seems all too apparent that Kellie is not about to ask Shareese if she can call her back - either when she gets off of work, or at least goes on break. Quick glances at the others around behind the counter come up dry for anything remotely resembling an authority figure. Surely an authority figure would have a problem with Kellie being on the phone - while she's at work. Then again, I'm in an airport.
Oh, this gets so much better: One person away from my turn at bat, I notice a plaque on the wall denoting Kellie as an employee of the month - and a shift lead! Way to set the bar high, fast food airport eatery! Evidently shift lead and employee of the month come with a perk or two. I guess you can use your cell phone while you're at work! I would've thought that either one of these titles and the perks that come with them, would make a person smile - but you wouldn't think so by Kellie's face - not so much as a grin. Kellie was uttering monotone can I help you & thank you to everyone, like it was her job...oh wait, it was. Probably isn't her job now, but on that day it sure as hell was.
I'm up, it's my turn and I'm hungry and committed to this fast food meal before I get on another plane. It won't be so bad, but I'm calling dibs on the restroom the minute I'm in my seat - just in case. This is what I hear standing right in front of Kellie:
Kellie: Mmm-hmmm...I know - hold on Shareese, I got more people....hold ON Shareese....can I help you? Kellie looks at me, half rolling her eyes - how dare I, like those who went before me, and those behind me, distract her from her conversation. If looks could kill, this whole fast food eatery would be taped off with yellow crime scene tape, bodies everywhere, Kellie's eyes having dropped the lot of us.
Me, speaking politely: Hi, I'd like a small salad, water...
Kellie: What kind of salad? Mmm-hmm, Hold on Shareese - I still got people...hold on
Me, thinking: Oops. Shit - how inconsiderate of me, not making it easier on Kellie, while she's at her JOB, being rude to me. Clearly this is all my fault.
Me, speaking, politely: I'll have a Caesar salad...please, and
Kellie: Hold on Shareese, $4.59 please. (note that the word "please" doesn't sound anywhere close to being polite as Kellie holds out her hand for my money, not even looking at me.)
Me, in shock, but speaking up because I'm not finished: I'd also like a grilled chicken sandwich with tha...
Kellie: You want the combo meal?....Hold on Shareese, $8.99 - (again, holding her hand out, not even looking at me) ....Mm-hmm....I know he did...crazy...hold on Shareese. (NOW she looks at me, annoyed) The combo is $5.99 and it comes with fries and a soda - do you want the combo?...back to Hold on Shareese, I still got people....hold on...and her hand out for my money.
Not. So. Fast.
Me, thinking: I don't want a soda or fries, I want the flippin' sandwich, the salad and water. Other than that, if you could just put your phone away and actually pay attention to me, and the other people you're supposed to be interacting with...
Me, speaking - quickly and politely: No thank you - I don't want fries or a soda, I just want water to drink, a chicken sandwich and a Caesar sa.....
Kellie: I have to charge you for the cup for water....Hold on Shareese, Hold on.....I know, I know....hold on Shareese - I STILL got people
Amazeballs. This woman is annoyed at me for being here, wanting anything from her and her look says, What the hell do you want from me - you can see that I'm on the phone!
In addition to the water, Caesar salad, and grilled chicken sandwich, some other things are going through my mind in rapid succession: YES, I DO want something from you, you, the one who is standing in front of me wearing polyester color coordinated visor, shirt, pants and a name tag, none of which you'd be wearing if you weren't at work, on the clock, working for the man - but here the fuck you ARE, at work, yet on your phone - acting like me, or anyone coming before or after me, has got some balls expecting any amount of courtesy from you - I want my shitty food that I'm choosing to eat out of convenience, and I'd like it without you making me out to be some kind of asshole. Yet there I was, an asshole for thinking that wasn't too much to ask.
As irritating as this whole thing was, I find things like this highly amusing, though more so in retrospect. I keep memories like this and share them. So this particular incident gave birth to a catch phrase that I get some pretty serious mileage out of with friends and coworkers. Some of 'em laugh at the delivery of a "Hold on Shareese", which for maximum effect, needs to be done with an imaginary phone in either hand. I/we use it whenever someone cuts us off or needs to chew their food (Chew your food, incidentally, means to slow down your delivery of speech - according to the Urban Dictionary, which I flippin' love sometimes) - offering up an annoyed look at the offender and talking into pretend phones, Hold on Sha-REESE... There you go people, now you're in the know as to the origin of but one of my favorite personal catch phrases.
1 comment:
Oh Shareese... If she only knew...
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