If it's names you want, then I guess I've got 'em - I mean sooner or later, you're gonna find out anyway, so you might as well hear it from me. Yes, I cheated on Vinyl with Compact Disc, and, to a lesser extent, Cassette Tape - we've already talked about that, I don't know what else to tell you there, so let's just get past that. How many times can a guy say he's sorry Vinyl? I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. Yes, I'm an audio shit-heel. I admit it - happy now? You're right. I deserve it.
At least I never went out with DAT (Digital Audio Tape) - even if it was because she was doomed to fail right from the start. What if I told you that you could listen to your music with all the clarity of Compact Disc, some of the awkward bulk of 8-track tapes, none of the wow factor of cover art and liner notes and be wicked tough to find, and you have to buy an expensive component to play it on? Who DAT? Not only that, the tape can only be recorded and played in one direction. What? How the hell am I supposed to get the Satanic messages from the music if I can't play it backwards??? Oh wait a minute, I've never played music backwards - who the fuck DOES??
I worked a part time job in a record store (which was about what it would be like for an alcoholic to work in a liquor store - it happens.) during the month or so DAT was trying to make the scene. The reason I never even talked to her, was because if we were going to be cheating on Vinyl and justifying it for reasons like unparalleled clarity, and no surface noise or wear and tear on said surfaces of recorded music, DAT was still a tape running over a head - so my friends, in my faux audio lab scientist conclusions, which allowed me to ever so briefly sound like I was an authority on such matters, DAT wasn't good enough for me. There would be no kicking myself over that one.
While we're talking about the girls of Tape, I guess we can talk a little about Reel-to-Reel - and no, before you even ask, I did not cheat on Vinyl with Reel-to-Reel, though I have to admit, those pricey components and the very use of them, held a bit of snob appeal. Few things, if any at all, said major audiophile, serious audiophile like one of those upright Reel-to-Reel tape decks. Holy God, does that ever look impressive - yes, it does. Pretty fucking cool. (Paul M, if you're reading this, that was for you...Sir!) It was a bit like cake with an impressive audio system - one can't have it and eat it too. By the way, in my world of impressive audio system nomenclature, impressive was basically any stereo system that cost a minimum of one meeeeeeeeeellllllyun dollars...uhm, I mean, one thousand dollars - sorry. Much as I'd love to say I had, or have a device like that, do I really want to hassle with miles of hyper-thin tape that I have to thread, possibly with hands that have lifted one or two too many drinks in a given evening, tape that is thinner than tissue paper and would likely twist into ruin should I breathe on it the wrong way? Nope. When I was going out with Vinyl, one friend remarked, upon seeing me remove a record from its sleeve, clean it with my DiscWasher and put it on the turntable, that I had the hands of a surgeon. I laughed. He swore he was serious. I'm not gonna lie, both of us lifted more than a few drinks that night - I won't swear to it, but we may have lifted a joint or two as well. Those were the days. Alas, I didn't actually possess the hands of a surgeon, but I'd be damned if even a little recreational drunkenness was going to make me mistreat my beloved Vinyl. Please.
As long as I'm coming clean, I'd better tell you that I did give serious thought to cheating on Vinyl with Compact Disc's younger sister, MiniDisc - not for long mind you, but in this case, even a few seconds of serious thought, when directed at an idea as stupid as this one was, is a very long time. The thought is as good as the act of cheating here. Yet I did consider this seriously for a hot minute. Don't judge - it never actually happened, but I did, however briefly, want it to happen. Now is the part where I give mad props to my old buddy Jeff, for making me see the light on that one, the way only Jeff's sarcastic, slamming-you-and-laughing-at-you-while-pointing-at-you-in-the-hopes-of-getting-others-to-laugh-at-you observations can do. Every time. Every fucking time. I've been friends with Jeff for the better part of 40 years, and he never misses with stuff like this - and if you're a big enough person to enjoy a laugh at your own expense, and to allow others to do so, this is a blessing. Oh it'll sting for a minute or two, but once you realize he's right, you really don't have a choice but to laugh. I don't know anyone who has the uncanny ability to lay in wait for moments like these as Jeff does. The fucker isn't even paying attention when you do or say the embarrassing thing that he's about to capitalize on - and his timing is impeccable. He knows exactly how long to wait and allow you to think, "Whew, jeezus that was fucking stupid of me, I'm glad Jeff didn't notice that one." No such luck - he did notice, and you're gonna pay for it, so take it like a man - because if you cry about it, it's gonna be so much worse. Trust me.
So yes, Jeff pointed out just how stupid I was being to even consider adding a MiniDisc component to my system. More specifically, just how fucking stupid that idea was. When Jeff points out such foolishness, you listen. If he were a financial advisor and you should disregard his advice, you'd be flat broke forever - and he wouldn't give a shit, because he told you so and you did it anyway. To make matters worse, he's still going to laugh at your stupidity - so let once be enough, straighten up and fly right, and for the love of God, don't buy a fucking MiniDisc playing/recording device. Jeff never has suffered fools, he never will either, and that's one of the things I love about him. Once, when Jeff was driving to Florida with another buddy, Pat, he was looking through Pat's case of Cassette Tapes for music to play. Pat had forgotten all about the Air Supply tape that his girlfriend (allegedly...snicker, snicker) kept in his car. I wasn't there mind you, but I know Jeff, and this is what went down:
Jeff: AIR SUPPLY??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT DOING IN YOUR CAR???
Pat, more than a little embarrassed, rightfully so: That's Anne's, she put that there, I swear to God - it's NOT mine Bubba
Jeff, pushes the button on the passenger side window of Pat's car, which thankfully, is moving down the highway at 80 m.p.h. : Fuck this shit...whips the Air Supply tape out the open window.
As you might imagine, I took Jeff's advice and avoided the MiniDisc entirely - well, not entirely, I had a Joe Jackson MiniDisc that came with a real Joe Jackson release that I bought, and that is what made me consider, however briefly, cheating on Vinyl with MiniDisc. I'm no angel, but I do feel good about that one. In the next installment, I'll tell you about my experiences with the Devil child of recorded music, MP3.
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