Who Writes Fortune Cookie Fortunes?

Seems like a valid question to me.  I'm in between jobs and trying to keep groceries on my table by working in a Thai restaurant.  I'm so not used to handing out fortune cookies with every check - even after a few months of working in this place.  House of MSG.  There's a big barrel of it in the kitchen that the "chef" runs to and scoops from periodically.  I've seen it with my own two eyes.  We're basically told to lie about MSG and say we don't use it.  How fucking stupid do these people think either I, or any of my coworkers could be? Never mind that - I want to know who the fuck writes fortunes for fortune cookie companies.

I want to know because I've seen practically every kind of fortune and if I hear the cliche "add the phrase, "in bed" at the end of your fortune", one more time, I'm going to barf.  It's worse than a college freshman kid who pledges a frat and thinks his altered school fight song is both the wittiest thing he's ever heard and something that no one, repeat, no one outside of his frat has ever heard.  "No, you have GOT to hear this!...so hail to those sons of bitches, hail to those mother-fuckers..."

Shut the fuck up, NOW, and save it for your Natty Lite keg party.  Please, save it for your Natty Lite keg party - because if you don't, I'm going to hope with all my heart that someone beats it out of you.  In my mind, I may even imagine myself beating it out of you - "how funny is it NOW?...NOW what are you hailing, BITCH?" - That's how I feel about the "In Bed" at the end of every fortune read aloud at the table thing.  Shut up - you're not even drunk and it's not even funny.

We had a batch of fortunes that were borderline insulting.  Things like, "this is the worst day of your life" - what is that all about? Then there were the food advertisement ones "order one to go" - shut up!  Same goes for "next time try the shrimp" - how's that going to work in that lame-joke cliche matrix? Like this:

Fortune Cookie:  Next Time Try The Shrimp!  .....IN BED!

                               learn Chinese:  Fish  鱼(y'u)

                               Lucky Numbers 11, 13, 24, 25, 26, 40

Isn't that funny? NO.  Well, actually, that is a little funny.  A video of a monkey peeling a shrimp would be funny, and no one puts the tag cliche after the learn Chinese or lucky numbers part of the fortune cookie.  I want to know who gets paid to write for fortune cookie companies and I want to know what their editors are like.  As a matter of fact, I want to submit a resume to a few fortune cookie companies and I want to talk with the editors of these companies, I want to have lunch with the editor of the biggest fortune cookie company known to mankind - no, I want to have lunch with him or her, then I want to get drunk with him or her.  I'll buy.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to work in a Thai place to keep groceries on my table.  In a near-perfect world, I'd have several different types of fortunes to hand out to the appropriate customers.  I'd have ones by the book, ones for lousy tippers, ones for campers...you get the idea.  Damn could that be fun:

Fortune Cookie:  Never Anger The One Who Brings Your Meal

                               Learn Chinese:  Cheap  粗劣 (fuk-tard)

                               

                               Lucky Numbers - No Luck For You!

Fortune Cookie:  The best tasting food does not come from the kitchen most clean

 Learn Chinese:  bathroom, NOW!  卫生间, 现在!  (hur-eey)

 Lucky(?) Numbers - 1, 2, 2, 2, 2 which is more like one,

                                      but from 2 location

Someone gets paid to write fortunes, that same person is probably their own editor.  I want to know who this person is.