This really happened...

Last Thursday night was a rough night at work. I was very busy, which of course I like, but there was also an issue with a guest at a table that escalated and made things tougher than I really had time for. I made two bad calls that I'll own, but all in all, I held myself together well considering how difficult this guest was trying to make things and how my employer doesn't believe in empowering his employees to solve guest issues.

Let me see if I can set this up. My bar is half full, and with good people - people who want my attention and seem to appreciate my sense of humor as a part of their experience. That always helps. It's a week night, so all three bar tables are mine and the servers are busy as well. This usually means that the place runs on sheer anarchy and it's everyone for themselves. That means that I'm all of the following: a bartender, my own barback, a waiter, my own food runner and if I want a turn on any of my tables, my own busser. To add to this list of jobs that requires some major hustle, I usually have to babysit the servers doing things like taking the wrong drinks or asking silly, and very elementary bar related questions - almost always being stuff we've covered many times.

The babysitting frustrated me and often stops my flow of productivity in an environment that has little, if any, teamwork. It's cool, I can hang. And so it was on this Thursday evening. I approach a table of three - appears to be a couple and their young adult son. Everyone seems to be in a good mood and when I start to take Dad's order, this is where things get interesting.

The first entree the guy says he's interested in is the Grilled Scampi, which comes with a spicy chili sauce over chopped lettuce - the lettuce is pretty much a garnish, most people don't eat it. Here's what the guy said:

Guy: This grilled scampi looks interesting - but I don't really want the lettuce - what do you suggest?

Me (thinking): I would suggest we leave off the lettuce, but you could absolutely hate lettuce, leave the dish as it comes and easily avoid it.

Me (talking): Well if the lettuce is the only thing about this dish that you don't like, we can easily leave that off sir.

Guy: What do you suggest instead? If I don't have the lettuce? What would you suggest I do?

Now right about here is where I'd like to be able to say exactly what I'm thinking - but I can't.

Me (thinking): I dunno sir, cabbage - but I guess I would really suggest that you get whatever vegetable that you do like, but if you're going to ask me if I can omit the lettuce from a dish and substitute extra scampi - well, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed on that one. I dunno dude, tell me what vegetable you like, pick one and that's what you'll have instead of the lettuce - dig?

Me (talking): Well, if you tell me what vegetable you would rather have instead of the lettuce, I can let the chef (I don't like using the word "chef" at this job - while these guys work hard, they're cooks - not chefs) know...

Guy: I'd like to know what you suggest....


Me (thinking): that you pay attention. How the hell am I supposed to know what vegetables you like? Are there any? if so, tell me what they are - if I have 'em back there, that's what you can have instead of the lettuce!

Me (talking): What vegetables do you like sir? If I have it, that's what we can substitute for the lettuce...

At this point, the guy points to the crispy shrimp entree - which has broccoli, battered and fried shrimp, water chestnuts in a plum sauce...and the fun starts all over again:

Guy: This looks good, but I don't care for the broccoli at all - what would you suggest?

Me (thinking): Again? Really? Same rules apply pal, tell me what vegetables you like, pick one and get that instead of the broccoli - it really is that easy, but you're gonna have to work with me here!


Me (talking): Well, pick a vegetable that you like and we'll make it with that instead of the broccoli - no problem sir.

Guy: What would you suggest?

Me, busy and with lots of other things to do, wondering why this seems to be such a problem, and...thinking: For the love of God sir, I have no f'ing idea what vegetables you actually like since all you seem to be focused on is what you don't like. I think I've figured out that you like shrimp, fair enough...

Me (talking): Easy - just tell me what vegetable you would like to have and we'll go with that - not a problem at all sir....

Guy:  I'd like to know what you suggest

Me (thinking): oh for fuck sake, Holy God...tell me what you like and let's go with that!


Me (talking):  Just tell me what you like in the way of vegetables, we can put anything we have there!

Now the guy points to a dish called War Su Gai - basically battered and fried pieces of chicken with mushrooms, scallions on top of lettuce w/what the menu says is a "rich ginger sauce" - personally I don't get the ginger in this sauce, it's a very savory - read, salty sauce that is gravy-like in consistency.  and it has a light shake of ground roasted peanuts on top of it. I explain my thoughts on the sauce and we go in a different direction - but all of my attempts to make this whole thing easier - and by easier, I'm starting to mean easy for me to take this guy's order and get back to the now seventy or so things I need to do - such as make drinks, answer a foolish question from a server who seems to feel that I'm responsible for her inability to read English after being in this country for 25 years and working at this restaurant for at least 5 years, greet a new table, take a dinner order from another, two dinner orders from guests at the bar, and greet/make drinks for two other couples that have just sat down at the bar...

What he ends up wanting is a hybrid of the War Su Gai, the word War being a bit ironic - because in about 40 minutes I would end up with this guy trying his best to get me, and anyone else on the staff that night, into a war with him. Now's a good time to say that my place of employment regularly has no manager on duty, no owner anywhere around that any of us employees know about. They also have a policy of practically never taking an item off of a customer's bill - no matter how dissatisfied someone may be. I'm not so sure that's the best policy to have - and given how much my employer makes his employees (but for those that fall under the nepotism umbrella - which is not me, nor anyone else who is non-Asian) pay for food and/or drink mistakes, even those that are no fault of the server...well, I'll say no more about said policy for now. So I ring up the guy's hybrid custom order - he wants the shrimp, like it is in the Crispy Shrimp entree, wants the mushrooms - like the ones in the War Su Gai, and the plum sauce. I know...this is taking a really long time right? It gets worse.

Somehow I forget his problem w/the lettuce - but most people avoid the lettuce in the War Su Gai. I get really busy, but I can hang - though I'd love even some minimal support so that I can give my customers ample attention. What happened next was a rare moment of me getting support and someone actually ran my food out to this particular table. I check back and the guy's got a problem - the lettuce. I take the food back and tell the guys in the kitchen that all I want here is the shrimp and the mushroom & sauce. I've got lots going on right now, so I ask a busser to watch for this guy's entree coming back out and have him take it out.

Within seconds of the guy getting his food back, I drop all that I'm doing - which is a lot by that point, and I get my ass to his table and ask him how his food is now. He's pissed - and this is what he says:

Me: Is everything good for you now sir? Is this what you had in mind w/your dinner?
Guy - who will before this evening is over, gang up on me with his son and drop multiple F bombs: It's still wrong.
Me: What's the problem sir? I thought this was exactly what you wanted and I'm sorry - I neglected to tell the guys in the kitchen that you didn't want the lettuce - totally my fault sir.

Guy - pulling a menu from his side and showing it to me like a sale flyer: this dish, the War Su Gai, says it has peanuts and scallions on it - and there are none here....it's still wrong and I'm not happy, that's twice.

Allow me to explain a bit here. While the guy is perfectly entitled to want those two missing items on his dinner, this is a bit like having a killer banana split in front of you and not liking it because there isn't any whipped cream on it. The peanuts and scallions are such small items on this dish - barely a spoonful of each. No problem, if this is what he wants it's an easy fix - so I said as much, and in the following manner:

Me: I apologize sir - let me take that back for you and have the chef add peanuts and scallions... 

Guy: - NO...I'll eat it - it's been wrong twice and I'm not happy.


Me: Sir I don't want you to eat it if you aren't happy with it and I apologize for the misunderstanding on my part - I'd be happy to fix it for you...


Guy: I said NO, I'll eat it - but I'm not at all happy.

I can't fix something if someone won't let me. I don't like the fact that this has turned into a problem, but I also am not about to toss the favorable rapport I have going with my other two tables and the people at my bar. I excuse myself from this table and set about the rest of my duties - and I'm bothered by the fact that this customer now seems adamant about eating food he's less than happy with out of spite/aggravation. I'll own the mistake on my part, I won't own this guy's attitude.


The owner of the place I work all but refuses to take anything off of someone's check no matter how unhappy they are with it. I've had tables where everyone orders the exact same entree and after one or two bites, they tell me it doesn't taste the same. I had to beg the manager to do something about that because the people didn't eat their food - wanna know what she did? She took 10% off of their check and told me to wrap their food up to go for them. Bad idea when they don't want it.

At the end of dinner for this table I check back and the guy is twice as pissed and is now having his son chime in. He ate 90% of his meal and now he's saying I should take it off his bill. On this particular night, there is no manager on the floor, no owner in the building. At this point I defer to one of the servers because I was doing worse with this guy by the minute, I had loads of other things to do and I thought talking to someone else might help. It didn't.

When I return to the table, he's even more pissed and keeps telling me I should pay for his food. I'm doing everything I can not to argue with this guy, and while I am responsible for this whole mess in terms of communication - I tried to fix it. I could have fixed sooner had I been the one who took the food to him both times. It's extremely rare that I get support at all in that place, let alone when I really need it. Having said that, it's rare that I get anyone to drop my entrees at all for me.

He's pissed at what the other server said and now he's coming at me like that's my fault too. His wife gives me her credit card and I notice again that most of his meal has been eaten. There's literally two bites left and he can't stop telling me he should get his meal for free and he knows the owner.

Since he's about to start dropping the F' bomb, I'm going to beat him to the punch here in writing. Fucking great - there's nothing I like more than someone dropping the owner's name. "I know the owner" - me too - he signs my paycheck, and it ain't always on time. What do you expect me to say to that...."oh shit...man, am I ever sorry now - why didn't you tell me you know the owner bro? We could've avoided all of this shit had I known you know the owner! As it stands now, well now I kinda want you to bite my ass, but I'll never tell. Fucknuts you know the owner.

Since my owners thought it wise to take away my credit card machine from behind my bar, I have to take the credit card up front and run it there - which is a damn shame because I've got a ton of things to do behind the bar. So I'm up front running the card and I hear the coworker who went over to the table in an effort to smooth things over - (another bad call on my part, but I had virtually no other options and I was very busy) and she's telling me what an asshole this guy is. I'm not ready to check the asshole box on this guy myself yet, tough as things are getting - and then I hear this over my shoulder:


F' Bomb Guy: FUCKING BULLSHIT...THIS IS NOTHING BUT FUCKING BULLSHIT
F' Bomb Guy Jr: yup, fucking bullshit...nothin' but fucking bullshit.

Okay - now I'm ready to check the asshole box for both of these guys. I'm SO ready to check the asshole box. Not only do I want to check the box, I want them to watch me do it. He doesn't know this, but I do - and that's enough for me. The simple visual of me using my #2 pencil to check two asshole boxes is enough to satisfy me. I apologize again - and I look him right in the eye, with complete sincerity when I do so:

Me: Sir I apologize for any error in communicating with you about exactly what you wanted - and I did offer to fix it....

F' Bomb Guy: you got it wrong twice....twice, you should buy my dinner - if your boss won't take it off of my bill, you should give me the $17 out of your pocket.

Me - thinking: Like hell I will - you ate most of your dinner and I tried to fix it. Try getting in a taxicab and letting the driver take you 75% to your destination and then tell him you want to get out because he rolled a stop sign and forced you to listen to Radio Pakistan programming - but that you aren't going to pay him.

Me: Sir once again, I sincerely apologize for my mistake - and the fact that it has caused you to be this unhappy. I didn't expect this seeing as how you didn't want me to fix my error and I would rather have done that than to have you eat your dinner  and find it unacceptable.


F' Bomb Guy Jr: This is bullshit, total fucking bullshit
F' Bomb Guy Sr: Yup - total fucking bullshit.

Right about here is where I wonder if Mom is going to chime in with the "TFB" (Total Fucking Bullshit) cheer - then I would know that the whole family had lunch at the truck stop. Exactly here is where the guy rips his wife's credit card right out of my hand and the guy's wife says something that makes me really like her:

Mrs. F' Bomb, damn near a saint in my eyes when she says: DON'T DO THAT TO HIM

You GO girl!....fucksox, and for those of you who don't like my dropping F' Bombs on occasion in my writing, he started it. While I'm not six years old, I find the fact that he started it rather comforting - because I'd have only gone there in my mind.

I know the guy is a customer - and had he not eaten most of his food, had he allowed me to personally see to correcting the problem and lastly, had he not double-teamed me with F' Bomb Junior, I might have manned up and paid for the meal, out of my pocket. But the way it all went down was that I didn't and they left, I checked the appropriate boxes on 2 of the 3 and went about the rest of my night. Peace.

Nice Try/SAVE

I don't use my yahoo email much these days because I get more spam there than I'd like - and by more spam than I'd like, I mean any at all. For shits and giggles, I check my spam folder every now and then to see what I'm getting rid of and to make sure nobody from my contact list ended up there by mistake. I did put one person from my contact list there deliberately after that person ignored my request to leave me off of their mass forward/chain email list. I hate that stuff - you know, forward this to at least two other people, the more you send it to, the better your luck will be type of crap? A day after asking this person - and very nicely I might add, to leave me out of this stuff, I got seven or eight more in one fell swoop. Okay.  I asked - you ignored. Into the spam folder you go.

Today is a relatively tame day - there are only 23 emails in my spam folder. I'd hate to have to come up with subject lines for emails that would hopefully get complete strangers to open them and read them, ultimately responding. Then again, if it paid decently...

These days I usually just click empty and I'm confident that I'm not missing out on anything. Today I looked at the senders and subject lines just to make sure I wasn't tossing anything from someone I want to communicate with - no worries there. Here's a sampling of what is in my yahoo spam folder this afternoon and my first thoughts about them with the following format: Sender/Subject line/My gut reaction-response-thought(s):

Trial Kit/Save Thousands on cigarettes/I don't smoke - so I already have, Kelly Moore/Re:/ Re: WHAT? it's not as if I've been in communication with you - leave me ALONE wouldya??, Herschel Strickland/Sup?/ Really? "sup?" yeah...because urban slang is sure to get me to open this one - not a chance Hersch - I don't know anyone named Herschel, Deandre Bean/ Hi!/ beat it!, Sonia Bruno/ Hey!/ Hey - I don't know you! F*** off!, and this last one - my favorite but that's only because I actually liked Barry Manilow - as a kid...just a little bit.....Mandy Nunez/ Date Naughty Girls - 18+ / Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking....but I sent you away.

Obviously I'm leaving out all the other crap that I deleted and for the next couple of weeks I probably won't even bother looking to see what's in there before I click the empty button. I hate this stuff, that it even makes it into my home - just seems like more of an intrusion to me, but I guess it had to happen when the world opened up the Pandora's box that is the world wide web. Fortunately all it takes is a simple click to get rid of it. That is all.